Criticism Makes You Stronger...

Right? I'm half hurt and half angry. People that love you from what Ive heard aren't supposed to lie and judge you.. How would I know though since Ive had very few instances of people NOT judging me that say they love me. I get that a certain amount of constructive criticism will help push you or change you for the better but constantly being cut down and lied about or lied to leaves me feeling... hurt and unsure of myself as a wife and mother. I guess good came come from it, Ill face the shadow side of this. I'm not a clean freak. Never have been. And until I had kids I never cared much for my house being overly clean. After I had kids I then had no time to deep clean because I worked 50 hrs a week for the first 2 years of my sons life. After I became a stay home mom and got pregnant with M I started cleaning up and noticing how nice it felt to have a clean house. Now at 15  1/2 weeks pregnant with my 3rd I have spent the last 4 months throwing up and too tired to move half the time. My house? Trashed. Dishes? Wash as you go. We don't have a working dishwasher so my preggo self gets to do dishes for 4 people by hand. We also eat at home for all meals. So I cook 3x a day then wash the dishes. God help me I hate dishes. I will never be more appreciative for a dishwasher when we move. Maybe that's part of my lesson in the never ending dishes. Anyway. When I do get enough energy to do anything I try to keep my living room picked up or vacuumed when the vacuum works or most shockingly I want to play with my kids. Spending time with them cuddled up or giving them attention is far more important to me than a clean house. Call me anything you want. I'm not always the perfect wife, my life is never picture perfect and we do things so very different than other people. You can say what you want but the thought of me being a bad mom, especially now, is laughable. Literally. Ive been trying to hash out how to handle this particular situation in my life and I think after thinking about it in length the accusations are so silly and unfounded that it doesn't need a response or action. Just a pity smile that people are that sad and insecure that they have to make things up about other people, which I'm actually pretty used to, but when it comes from your family it cuts a little deeper and hurts a little more. Luckily (?) for me its not deepest or worst cut so I can get past it. I'm thankful I have people in my life that ARE a means of strength and support for me and I'm thankful for my husband and kids because they make it all worth it, they are my family. I'm thankful that I have grown enough to see the woman I am and am becoming and not allow it to be clouded by other peoples pettiness and insecurity.


Photo Credit:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shelbys_photography/4616900128/
Great add on to this.

Starting to know what sardines feel like

I am entering my 14th week and 2nd trimester this week! The all day sickness and throwing up is starting to die down a tad to just during certain times of day. I have been feeling unlike myself recently and really imposed on. So I did what I always do. I called my friend that's also a Shaman. He smudged me and advised I needed some chakra balancing and some more frequent out of the house "me" time. I'm working on the me time part. So far Ive come up with a list of things I want to learn or do. Photography, sketching, sculpting, and piano. Maybe even a cup of coffee kid free with a friend or listening to classical music in the park while I snap nature shots. All sound like good ideas. In the balancing Ive noticed more messages coming through and my intentions coming to. One of the intentions is trying to get a rent house. Well I thought I had it honestly. The house seemed so perfect but the Universe has other plans apparently. Now I'm sitting here even more obsessively checking Craigslist. I know have full blown house fever again, but I'm not the only one.. No N also has it. Poor guy has so much energy and is bouncing off the walls from our tiny apartment and a lack of a place to play even Baby M who is now about to graduate to Toddler M since hes taking 2-3 steps at a time on his own is showing signs of longing for playing in the grass and wind. Suddenly the small apartment that I feel like I can barely keep clean seems so tiny and we all seem packed on top of each other, getting under each others skin, desperately wanting our own space to be ourselves. Only a matter of time I suppose. But in the meantime, keep us in your thoughts and prayers that a house perfect for us falls into place. <3

The last year of my life

Tomorrow my baby turns 1. I'm sitting here writing this 12 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and half in tears thinking of how difficult some times have been but mostly how amazing my sons are.
1 year ago today at 4 am I was up showering, bags packed ready to get to the hospital to induce labor, We get a phone call there is no room because apparently everyone woman in our town is having their kid at my hospital that day. So we wait, we have lunch we wait and wait and by 3pm they confirm... No baby today. Even if we went into natural labor they would have to send us to another hospital. Ok fine. So I get up again the next morning, shower, call the hospital and its a go. We waddle in and start labor induction. As my labor progresses the epidural isn't in and once it is in Baby M is posterior and I'm having awful back labor. I was so grateful to have a birth doula, she was a life saver! She twisted me into a weird position and let me rest for an hr and I shot from a 6 to a 10 and woke up feeling the need to push with the epidural kicked in enough that I could feel pressure but no pain. I push for 13 minutes and Baby M had joined us. I remember the amazed looked on N's face when he saw his brother for the first time. In the hospital I didn't rest much because immediately M started showing signs of reflux but I had no idea what that was. A couple of sleepless weeks and I start diagnosing then take it to his Dr and sure enough he had reflux and colic issues. 2 weeks after he's born and we are all adjusting N breaks his leg and now cannot walk for 3 months. This was by far so much harder than I had ever imagined going from 1 child to 2. But I was surprised with myself that I handled it, and fairly well actually. M has such a big personality and feeds off of N's energy and they love each other so very very much. Ive watched him grow and N grow to be more of a leader and now over the next year I get to see M grow into the big brother role too with N walking him through it. Its so touching and sweet to me that they are best friends already. I can't wait to see what the next year holds for us.

Judgemental Mamas

I love being as earthy as I can be. I love being a mommy. I love reading and researching and making an educated choice for my family with my hubby by my side. But I cant be one of these "natural" moms that act so judgemental and I hope there are none of those on this board. Here's the things Ive encountered and its painful and frustrating.
There are some "hot topics" that I feel like even if I agree w the natural mommy side I see alot of natural moms that attack other moms and then make the other mamas feel bad by saying they aren't educated bc if they were they would OBVIOUSLY choose the same things. We don't always know someones situation or abilities to do certain things and if it works for them or not. We know certain things for sure. Smoking is bad it causes cancer, asthma etc. We shouldn't smoke during pregnancy or around our children. I was a long time smoker and gave it up for pregnancies and then finally to stay home, save money and be healthy. So I cant understand moms that smoke during pregnancy or around their kids. But I see breast feeders that attack women that cant breastfeed like its their fault, how does that help? How does that support motherhood solidarity? Attack for not cloth diapering.. I CD and love it but not everyone has the time and money for what comes along w that. I have CD my son since he was 3 months I finally had to break down and buy a pack of diaper a few weeks ago bc I was SO sick I haven't been able to keep up on regular chores let alone laundry. Vaccinations, homeschooling, ERF, circumcisions, co-sleeping, baby wearing etc. At what point is it OUR business to attack other parents for what works for them and what doesn't? I choose to eat organic I came to that choice after I found out my son is allergic to additives. I choose to babywear bc it makes my life easier, I choose to CD bc I save a ton of money, I choose not to beastfeed bc it was by far one of the worst experiences of my parenting life and thats saying alot, I was homeschooled and choose not to do it bc I dont feel like I am properly qualified. The list goes on and on. Its frustrating. Why do we assume these other parents are uneducated? Or selfish etc Why attack? I feel like if you are comfortable in your parenting and beliefs then you have nothing to defend and that should enable people to have civil conversations to see each others sides and points of view vs being ugly and defensive. Just wanted to get that out.

Loved Beyond My Wildest Imagination

   Thinking today of how I view God and Jesus in a Christian biblical sense made me realize that the deep down thought I have of them is so very wrong. They are not the dictaing God-heads that demand your undying obedience but God is a loving gentle God that wants to hold and guide me through the storms of my life so that I dont only know how strong I am as a person but I know how loved I am just bc I am a child of the Universe.

   That thought is amazing to me and I still cant quite grasp the whole idea that I am loved even without doing something or proving my obedience in some way. It makes me reflect on my other relationships with friends, family, or even a strang...er or "enemy" and question do I love them unconditionally? Can I stand in the face of them hurting me and love them anyway? I do it with my kids all the time. While they scream or cry I hold them tight and say "Its ok, I love you" Its something I need to do. I need to love people even when they hurt me and say "Its ok, I love you anyway"
 Eventually that love will overcome the hurt and I will just smile as they throw their childlike fit and say "Its ok, I know the way" And by filling myself w Spirit and Love it will radiate from me and I will show others the way by leading by example. Even if the only ones who learn from my lesson is my children, they are they most important and they will go on and show love to others. What an amazing place to come to after something as simple as a reading from a friend and a message at church. ♥

Strong women start with strong girls

Oh there are so may things wrong with this shirt. I received an email this morning from a petition site requesting my signature to send a letter to the CEO of JCPenny and Forever 21 for marketing sexist t-shirts in their stores. I didn't sign it. Why you ask when the shirt itself is so infuriating.. Because while the CEO or whoever it was that designed this horrid thing might think its cute or funny the real issue is the parents that would actually buy this crap for their daughter. These are not the kind of girls we want to raise. This is not the kind of message we need to send to our kids, girl or boy. This idea while so small on the front of a shirt is why women still feel inferior to men and why men accept it. This Toddler & Tiaras, outward beauty focusing, I'm too pretty attitude of raising girls is what is creating teens with eating disorders or the "mean girl" syndrome.
    I'm very lucky in that I have a ton of nieces even though I have yet to be blessed with a girl and 1 niece in particular I thought of immediately when I saw this shirt. Not only would her parents NEVER buy this shirt because its degrading, she would laugh at it. The kind of shirts she wears says "Play like a girl, Beat the boys" She's smart, she's athletic and she does beat the boys. She will be a strong, confident, self sufficient woman one day because her parents grew that within her. Her brother will not think that girls are inferior to men because his mother is also a strong capable woman. My boys will not have that disrespect for women because their mother is a strong capable woman and if I ever do have a daughter I will make sure she is strong too. We need to get past this pretty OR smart idea. We need to get past the idea our society has built that a woman is only as good or successful as pretty as her face is. We can be strong AND gentle, beautiful AND smart, mothers AND women. And more so than bucking against "men" and standing strong we need to stand up against the ideas of this society of what beauty and perfection is and fight against raising our kids with these seemingly harmless things that send a message. WE are raising the next generation, what do we want our legacy to be? A world full of shallow, demeaning plastics or a world full of respectful, strong individuals? Its our choice.

Before you were born we dreamed of you..

..we imagined you, we prayed for you...


Yep that is an actual picture. We are pregnant! I kind of feel bad for my child like tantrum toward God but I'm sure he will understand the emotions and be ok. 


The brief but whole story behind it was I wanted to test Monday morning but J asked for us to wait until today to make sure. No visits from Aunt Flo so I went ahead and bought the tests and then yesterday N told me I had a baby in my belly he said "You're going to have a baby soon mama, the baby is in your tummy." I said "Is the baby big or little" and he said "Its small right now" and holds his fingers close together to how how small the baby is "Is it a boy baby like you, M and daddy or a girl baby like mommy" "Its a girl. Shes my baby sister" 

This morning I took a test and after many negative tests I got a positive this morning and told N "I have a baby in my belly!" He just looked at me, so I said "You knew that already didn't you?" And he just nodded his head w a smile. 
Well he was right about me being pregnant so maybe he will be right about a baby sister. 

I'm not going to turn the blog into some crazy prego blog, but I am going to do a weekly update on here as my pregnancy journal. Cant wait for the next 9 months and the experience that comes with it. <3

Farmer's Markets

I am in L-O-V-E with our farmer's market. I feel like its really important when you can to buy local especially if you cant grow your own. Even more than supporting my local farmers and in my own small attempt to help drive down gas prices and cut dependency on oil by not purchasing items that had to be shipped long distances I never expected to learn so much and be around such a sweet, loving group of people.
  Going to the farmers market is like going to church for me. A group of people with the same goals and similar ideas all walking around together, its an amazing energy. In the few months I've been going I have befriended so many vendors and get amazing gardening, food, tea, health, and baby tips. Its a great experience every week and its so much fun.  If you have the opportunity to go to your local market please do.
Here are a few tips I've learned:
Go early! I find that getting there around 9 am works best for me. The lines are calming down but they aren't out of anything just yet. If you know something rare may be there then go at at 8am and wait in line.
Everything is grown seasonally unless it can be grown in a green house. So check your local markets website and they should have a list of the fruits and veggies in season.
Shop around! I'm not kidding, in the same market there are vendors with ground beef $6 a lb and another at $3.50 a pound. Veggies range differently as well, some places go by the pound and some go per vegetable. So unless its a rare or high demand item then make your rounds first and THEN go back and purchase.
Be respectful and polite to the vendors, ask questions about HOW they grow their produce or meats and what they treat it with. Just because it says "All natural" doesn't always mean it is and some vendors label "All Natural" even though they are organic because they cant label as organic yet. The more you talk to them, make friends, get tips you can find out more information to either grow your own OR see if they have volunteering opportunities to visit their farm, work and get paid in harvest veggies. The super upside to this is you get hands on practice but if you have kids they get to see how things are grown and where they really come from.
And lastly (so far anyway, I'm sure as I go I'll learn even more) Bring your friends, family, co-workers etc! Like any other store the market can only thrive with customers. The larger the market gets the more vendors get signed, the more variety, the lower the prices and then you get more benefits from buying local. With the cooler temps coming, get outside, enjoy the weather and support your community <3

Photo credit: Top picture Greater Springfield Farmers Market
Bottom picture http://www.mnn.com/food/beverages/blogs/the-benefits-of-buying-local

Can we have a talk?

Anyone know how to get in touch with The Big Guy (or Girl)? Not like prayer either, I pray twice a day. I mean like sit down have a Neale Donald Walsh type conversation with God. I have some questions and they aren't all nice. Trying to get pregnant is one of THE MOST frustrating thing EVER! And its worse after a miscarriage.. You have the normal i want to get pregnant so badly things mixed with the lingering idea of you should already be. Id be 14 weeks this week and I'm not. And worse I'm having a hard time getting pregnant again when all the baby books say "Hey guess what for the 3 months after a loss you're the most fertile" And granted its still early but usually by now Ive gotten a positive test. Sunday morning we got what looked like a faint positive and I was elated and today nothing. I know Ive been praying for when the right spirit chooses us for it to happen but I figured that would have been this month it just felt right and worse we did EVERYTHING right. And nothing so far. The conversation I want to angrily have is WHY? WHY seriously, have we not gone through ENOUGH over the last 4 years?? Why did I have to loose that baby? Why is it not happening now? Why did I loose the baby while taking whole food prenatals, eating the best food I can, drinking pregnancy herbal tea and taking it easy when I see baby addicted to drugs , breathing problems and fetal alcohol syndrome from moms who smoke, drank and did drugs through their pregnancies. All of those things increase chance of fetal death and premature birth but THEY have full term pregnancies. THEY get to have 3, 4, 5, 6 kids till they're 40. I have maybe another year to have kids maybe 2.. possibly. I just want one more God. Just one, a healthy, happy, gorgeous baby. A spirit choosing us as amazing and caring and loving as our boys. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't LOVE to have that little girl I dreamt about so long ago but I would love it no matter what. I know there is a reason and maybe I just needed to get all this off my chest first. I don't know. I would just like some answers. Maybe if I knew I could stop feeling this way. Maybe I just needed some sort of child like break down since I had to keep a brave face when it happened.

My 4th Anniversary of Becoming a Mom

Tomorrow my baby turns 4. I remember when I was pregnant with him I had a book "Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul" and I took  a lot of things from that book the following I never forgot:

To preface, the story is about mom's celebrating the anniversary of when they became a mom (basically the birth day of their oldest child).

"The anniversary of becoming a mother is one of the few life-changing moments that is rarely heralded. And whether our child is born to us or adopted, motherhood is a choice that permanently alters the way we view ourselves and our universe. It is the moment when we make a commitment to truly care for another human being.  This vow goes beyond words or ceremony: this vow is etched in our cells and knitted into our hearts."

4 years ago tomorrow I went in for an induction, I went through approximately 10 hrs of fairly painless labor, pushed for 30 mins and held my first baby for the first time.. He cried for a few seconds and they handed him to me, as I laid him on my chest, snuggled him in my arms and patted him gently on his booty, through my tears I said "Hi baby, I'm your mommy, Happy Birthday" He stopped crying and looked at me with the most pure love and comfort in his eyes. Ill never forget that moment for the rest of my life. The day I finally became a mommy. 4 years later Ive made some mistakes but I have a funny, empathetic, compassionate, smart, intuitive, creative, imaginative, ball of energy that makes me laugh everyday. Happy Birthday Baby Bear! Mommy and Daddy love you more than you could ever know. And Happy Anniversary to me, J, and all  the parents out there that celebrate the day they were blessed with their babies one way or another. <3 

Photo credit: Diego Rivera "Motherhood"

How to bottle feed with love

Ahh the joys of a pregnancy.. You have all these dreams, thoughts, and expectations for your baby. When I was pregnant with N I knew exactly what an dhow I wanted to do things and along with that I just KNEW I was going to breastfeed. Its natural, more bonding, it cures cancer, makes your child smarter, never ill, and all around its just better in every way.. Right? Wrong. I tried to breastfeed N, I really did. I battled through the pain, cracked nipples, engorged breasts, some consultants telling me "No he's latched properly he just has a forceful suction" to "NO if it hurts you're doing something wrong hes not latched right" but then no one could tell me how to fix it. I decided I could get through the pain (another tips that it takes a few months for the pain to go away) because I knew it was best to breastfeed for at least a year.  But then his first big growth spurt hit.. And he was feeding every 30 mins and fussing the other time. He never seemed full and he just cried. The PPD was already setting in and J came home from work early after a frantic call from me to find me sitting in the dark, alone, crying, wondering how crappy of a mother was I that I couldn't handle breastfeeding. He promptly went and got the "just in case" can of formula we had and made up a bottle and fed N. And he was quiet and content. The next day I changed his diaper and he has blood in his stool and I freaked out again, he had a milk allergy and I did it to him by feeding him the poison known as formula according to my google searches (Fast forward 3 1/2 years and we find out hes not actually allergic to milk but any dairy that isn't organic.) But I still cant keep up w the breastfeeding and he was so content with the formula. After seeing the Dr. she tells me that formula is not the evil poison Ive been reading, has me change his formula around and tells me that hes gaining a little slowly with just breast milk. A month later he's content and gaining perfectly. But that didn't stop me from my guilt and in that guilt I searched desperately for ways to bottle feed with love and bonding and there was nothing. So I taught myself through trial and error and when my 2nd baby came along I made the choice to skip breastfeeding altogether and M is a bottle fed only baby. So I want to share with all those mamas that maybe couldn't or just didn't want to breastfeed how to bottle feed with love and connection.
*Disclaimer: Breastfeeding has great benefits and it is natural, but to me so if not shaving your legs. Both of which are natural but not natural for ME or my family. Bottle and formula feeding is the natural choice for my family and myself. My son is 3 days shy of turning 4 and I can count on 1 hand how many times hes been sick despite being regularly exposed to illness between play dates and me being sick. Hes ahead of many milestones and is an incredibly loving, compassionate, imaginative little boy. M is 9 moths old and again has been sick twice and neither time was bad enough to go to the Dr. And is also ahead of his milestones by 2-3 months. Breastfeeding has benefits and so does bottle feeding. Please make the choice right for you and your family and don't feel guilty if that choice isn't breastfeeding.*

Ok. So after we have clean and washed the bottles and made up the formula (1 scoop for every 2 oz of water) Sit down and make time for your feeding. Boppy pillows are a Godsend, they prop the baby and allow you to cradle without your arms hurting. When you cradle your baby their mouth naturally will be close to your breast, position your bottle there, I tried to wear soft, thin shirts or low cut V neck shirts so baby's face can nestle against your chest or they can feel your body heat through the shirt. You can look into your baby's eyes, smile, talk, give kisses on their little nose. My boys always wrapped their little hand around one of my fingers and stared at me while we had feedings. Steady your breathing to breath deeply and relax, baby can feel your energy and moods. If feeding before a bedtime or nap time then have the area darker and maybe play soft music or read stories. Bottle feeding doesn't mean that we are lazy mommies and just prop feed our kids all the time. You can easily create the same bond and love bottle feeding as you do breastfeeding. And I hope this helps moms out there searching for answers and help.

Note: The baby in the picture isn't mine ;) But seemed perfect for the topic. Happy bottle feeding mamas!

Who am I? Turns into Who I am.

Ive had this realization recently how horribly insecure, not confident in my marriage and how much I generally don't value myself as a person. Overall I have really low self value. Normally I would just ignore and suppress my feelings but wouldn't you know it's starting to seriously effect my relationship and intimacy level. So the course of my day today I have been meditating, pulling my cards, reading books and articles to come to some sort of how it all began so I can start to deconstruct it and rebuild my sense of self. I love my life and everything about it except for me. I don't love my negative thoughts, or my jealousy, or the on edge feeling I constantly have waiting the day J comes home to tell me he's finally found the bigger better deal and theres another more fantastic woman. Instead of focusing on the fact that I'M the one to tamed the great J P. He was a play boy that never wanted to settle down, get married, and have kids and I was the one he found that was worth it to do all of those things. I just don't see it I guess. Like whats so great about me.. And not in the fishing for compliments sort of way but like I really just don't see my value beyond my cooking and cleaning skills. So because of this I have been reflecting on some programming of mine and hoping I can get it out on here..Maybe it can help someone else going through the same journey. I'm adding in excerpts from 2 articles that's helping me and I have the links posted below.

"In a land far far away, there lived a princess. A princess so beautiful, her Light shone, mesmerizing the people of the land. They talked only of her purity and kindness and regularly left gifts at the steps to her castle to show their appreciation for her being in their lives... "  
The reason this hit me so hard is because when I read it I flashed back to being a young girl watching so many princess movies and love stories and thinking to myself "I WISH I was like that." "I wish I was pretty or could sing, paint, draw, dance..etc"  I wanted to be everything. Perfect. The girl that had it all. See on one hand I remember being told I can do anything I set my mind to and how beautiful I was but then at the same time being told how all the talent skipped a generation and how I would always be viewed as a friend. I would never be viewed as girlfriend material or sexy and the way to land a husband was to make sure I knew how to cook, clean, sew etc. I can not really remember ever being told I was good at anything. And being raised in a very religious household I was also told that any type of self esteem was vanity, conceit and evil. I can remember being told how vain I was as a teenager for checking my appearance, but always being told to make sure I looked my best so no one knew we were poor.  On the same token I had nothing stable really in my life, I was homeschooled and moved around alot.. Living someplace for 5 years was an accomplishment. Hearing my father during arguments that my mother would voice her own insecurities of being abandoned he would yell that he could leave whenever he wanted and he was here because he wanted to be, but then frequently complained about freedom and how he was always tied down to us. I complain that I see people perpetuate the cycle of hurt and mistakes their parents made but I see myself doing it  in certain areas of my life. My parents did what they could with what they had but now I can see how their parents effected their own behavior as an adult and a parent. I need to heal myself and rise above that to break that cycle. I need to heal for myself, my marriage, my kids, my life. This is me challenging my memories, thoughts, and programming. This is me deciding to not be a victim and blame my upbringing for my problems now. I know they have shaped me, damaged me even, but I'm ready to move past that. I'm ready to live my life and have that fulfilled content feeling. 


"Self-love is not about ego, it is not conceited, judgmental, looking down on others to make yourself feel better. When you really love yourself, you accept yourself for whom and what you are. You accept the many different aspects of yourself. You make peace with the parts that you are not proud of, but accept them as being a part of who you are."


I'm on a journey. A journey of self exploration. I'm wondering who am I? How much of who I think I am is determined by what others think or have an opinion of me. Or worse how much is made up of my old programming?
 I am determined to get rid of these negative thoughts. I am determined to step into the space of Who I Am and stand in the light. I want to accomplish the things in the picture I posted with this. I want that to be what I leave behind. I'm ready. Maybe I wasn't before. Maybe I was too afraid to challenge my past, my thoughts, my beliefs more than I already have. I know this will not be an easy journey. But I'm going to start right now. I am going to tell myself all the things I believe to be true about myself and tell the voices that tell me I'm wrong or selfish or conceited or vain to SHUT UP! And STOP! As loudly and frequently as I can.
Who I am (so far):

• I am an amazing mother. I live, breathe, change, and get up every day for my kids. They are my heart and my world.  I strive everyday to be a better mother than I was yesterday. 
• I am a good wife. I work to be his partner, his best friend, and his lover. My job is a stay at home mom, so I work to keep our house clean, food cooked, kids raised. We work together in every way and I work to be the best I can for him.
• I am a great friend. I try to be a constant stable rock for my friends. I try to give them the best advice I can when asked. I try to be a shoulder for them to cry on and a ears to listen to them vent. 
• I am spiritual
• I am compassionate
• I am an empath that feels what others feel
• I am sensitive. I cry at a lot of things, sweet things, sad things, happy things
• I talk a lot because I have so many thoughts. 
• I am a writer
• I am a artist
• I am a great cook. Cooking is passion, your food reflects your mood.
• I am an animal lover
• I am a hippie
• I love quotes and books because I can rarely find the right things to say
• I love art in any form especially tattoos
• I am a music lover
• I am a fighter against things that are unjust
• I am a Libra
• I believe in magic, first kisses, passion, true love, soul mates, doing the right thing, good karma and bad karma, signs and messages from God and Spirit. I believe laughter, food, good friends and family can cure anything
• I am a woman, I am gentle, intuitive, resilient, strong. 
• I'm restless and ever evolving. 
• For now I am insecure and broken. Wounded. Trying to heal. And I will.

"You are perfect as you are, right now. No-matter what is happening in your life, you are never alone. Whatever your beliefs, know that you are part of All That Is, you are a Divine Goddess. You are worthy and deserving of all things. Open your heart and mind, and allow yourself to receive all of the beautiful, wonderful gifts that await you. When you love yourself just as you are, you realize just how deserving you are"











http://omtimes.com/2011/06/self-love/
http://omtimes.com/2010/09/once-upon-a-time/

Adventures in NetiPot

I ordered a free NetiPot and got it in a few weeks ago. I used it an ended up with a migraine so I figured it was a weird coincidence. Last night I tried using it again and it is again super uncomfortable I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong since I followed all the instructions and everyone I kept hearing from swears by neti pots and how amazing they are (Cont below) So this morning I determined to try it again. I'm sick w this stupid annoying cold and my sinuses are killing me. So I follow all the instructions again even making sure the salt is super dissolved and the water is warm but not hot it still burns and stings and hurt horribly. So I pour a little out and add more warm water and give it another go. What do you know? Completely comfortable and amazing! My advice to anyone trying it if you try it and it burns and stings that's not right. Try cutting the salt down bit by bit till you find a solution that works for you. Once you do that its completely worth it!

Matters of the Heart

 As a little girl we watch a lot of Disney movies, then as a teen romantic comedies, we watch classic Gidget movies where her toes curl backward when she's kissed by the right man (or person). So many movies telling the tale of some adversity in the middle of the movie but then by the end all is resolved and they live (Say it all  together) "Happily Ever After"
    Then we grow up, get bitch slapped by reality, hate Disney, put on our big girl panties and realize that love is not always enough to sustain and there is not always a Happily Ever After and we have to have real skills to navigate through rough waters that can (and probably will) be a long term relationship.
  While I am in no way a relationship expert or Dr. Phil, I have been with my darling husband for almost 7 years and married for 4 years with a separation stuffed right smack in the middle of it. So I figured in addition to sharing my pearls of parenting wisdom I'd share some relationship wisdom Ive learned (and am still learning) along the way

#1 Love is not all you need
Sorry folks, I'm a huge Beatles fan but they were wrong on this one. Love, determination, strength, will.. THOSE are the things you need. A relationship is hard work. You might think something like love shouldn't be this hard, but then you should remind yourself that nothing in this life worth having ever comes easy. You have to be willing to fight for it. I think we are so jaded to that prospect because its so mainstream to get a divorce. I was married previously before I married J. I got married young and married someone that was way better as a friend in my life than a husband. So I'm not in any way bashing divorce I am saying to think about how much more picky we would be in choosing a spouse or how much harder would we work at it if divorce wasn't an easy option? Think about diving into a relationship that way. Be choosy, wait for your twin flame (soul mate) and once you have them never ever let go. Your soul mate will not abuse or degrade you. They are by far not anymore perfect than you are and they will most likely hurt you or even break your heart at some point but they wont abuse you or demean you. If that's the type of relationship you're in, find help and get out safely. Love is not abuse and those are not the types of relationships you fight for. You also want to think about if you have kids and what message you're sending to them, as a girl are you telling them that they aren't worth true love and love comes in the form of a fist or a boy learning that its ok to abuse his significant other? Or are you teaching them mistakes happen, we pick the wrong people sometimes but you are strong enough and worth enough to walk out and take them with you.. And that leads me into my 2nd point.

#2 Children change EVERYTHING.
Let me repeat this for all those young (or old) and naive hearts out there that think in the midst of difficulty in your relationship having a kid will bond you together forever in love.. WRONG! They change everything about you, your life, your relationships with everyone and how you see the world. Its completely different. It better and amazing in every way. The sleepless nights, the constant work, all of it, completely worth it. However the change will undoubtedly put a strain on even the most stable of relationships. Its an immediate change that no books or person can properly prepare you for and hopefully you're in it together. But the stress of being a parent to a new baby will test your relationship fully. Stay in communication with each other, if you aren't good at communicating then now is a perfect time to head to counseling for some ideas or grab a marriage book. You must show a unified front to your children, they're like sharks and can sense separation and fear and will attack and bring on an argument. Not because they are malicious but because they are exploring their boundaries. Communication is key.

#3 You can "date" for years, but you will never really know a true test of your relationship until you live together.

Face it anyone can put their best foot forward during the dating phase. Hair, make-up, fresh breath, nicely dressed etc. You really know about how much you love someone when she's make up less, hair in pony tail, PMS acne everywhere, eating everything in sight complaining about cramps and randomly crying. Same goes for dudes.. You know its love when you're still attracted to him after waking up for a 3am pee and seeing him asleep, mouth open, drooling, snoring and hair a mess. Lets not even go into the amount of love it takes to put up with whatever his many time consuming obsessions are or his talks about his last poop.. Even more so your love will be tested through paying bills, working, hardly seeing each other, household chores, arguments, kids, pets, extended family etc. The reality is that Disney never made Princess movie about what happens after they get married, have kids, do laundry, dishes, work, yell because Prince Charming forgot to put his clothes away or the dish in the sink AGAIN. It all seems perfect and lovely until you seen someone for who they really are, in the morning light, and bare. You know its real when you see it and love them anyway because you realize you are not complete without them despite the bullshit.

I'm no Superman

A few months ago I felt like Supermom. Everything was clicking perfectly. I was happy, upbeat, positive, and I felt unstoppable. I had just ventured down the road of baby wearing and cloth diapering, feeling this new found sense of empowerment as a mother. I could handle anything. Even when J lost his job and the "new" car we had bought in cash and spent almost $700 repairing to get it to state inspection started to break down 2 weeks after we bought it, I still saw the silver lining. After a few months of this life high and things still turning for us in the better, cashing in all those good karma points from us struggling for so long it hit me. One day I was sitting on the couch, N turned to me and said "I don't want to live with you anymore. You're not fun" And I broke. I sat there and cried and cried. I couldn't understand it. We had a routine, we played, I made him breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. We had started Love & Logic and the yelling and threatening mommy I had once been was now gone. WHY WHY WHY would he say that? For some reason at that moment I realized I was in fact not Supermom and I suddenly felt completely inadequate. How can a 3 year old bring you to your knees so quickly? The next few months were your basic life and parenting struggles. Nothing crazy. Then we hit the rough patch that has been our adversity over the last month. Baby loss, J's kidney stones, him out of work for almost 2 weeks, short paychecks, our Subaru not starting forcing us to drive the less appealing and more gas drinking car, and me having to take the responsibility for our entire house. You never know how much your spouse helps until they can't. The pressure of balancing the smaller paychecks, grocery shopping, errand running, tending to  every need of the boys, all the house work and taking care of J was up to me and I was fine at first. I was a rock. Then the day after J got his stint out I completely crumbled, and I have been breaking down more and more every since. My house has been trashed, dishes only done enough to cook for that night, yelling, frustrations and threats have emerged and my laundry is barely done. I feel undone, imperfect, un-super and completely...human. I know I will bounce back and be back to feeling completely empowered again at some point, clicking on every cylinder like a well oiled machine, I just wish I knew when that would be. In the meantime I guess I can keep thinking positive and hopeful and just let go of my need of control and go with the flow. I'm terrible at that by the way, admitting when I'm not perfect, relinquishing control and going with the flow. Maybe once I do that things will go back to the normal blissful life I'm used to.. Maybe that's my lesson.

A Baby Story

When I was pregnant with my oldest son N I went to a book sale and found Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mothers Soul. Toward the end of the book is a poem called "Baby's Choice" (see below) I read this poem and it forever changed my outlook on getting pregnant and giving birth. I had never even considered in reincarnation when our spirits are ready to come to this earth we choose our parents. It's such a lovely thought. I know I chose my children but they chose me too. (I know at this point many readers will start the argument of why would a child choose abusive, neglectful parents. My response is our soul and God knows what we have been through in our past lives and what lessons we need to learn going further. We will not understand fully why we are on the path we are on.) 


The reason I bring this up is because of my latest journey in life has been loosing another baby. Knowing that J and I wanted to start trying again in Aug I decided that starting to set that intention and prayer in May would be plenty of time to manifest this miracle in our lives. When I saw the positive HPT I was shaking. I couldn't believe we were pregnant! I told my husband while shaking uncontrollably. So many thoughts racing through my head. Were we ready? Would he be mad that we got pregnant early? When was my due date? When I realized I got the positive test 2 years to the day that we had lost another baby I felt a sense of dread. Trying to think hopeful I thought maybe this will reset the bad feelings I have about the months of June and July. Then I realized "Wait, in Feb (when we were due) we were going to be moving, that's so close to my due date" I also didn't know at that time if I was going to be able to handle 3 kids. What if I couldn't? Over the next 2 weeks I had fears of seeing blood when I went to the bathroom because I didn't FEEL pregnant. I didn't feel the same connection I felt when I knew I was pregnant with my sons. Friday morning, 2 weeks after that positive HPT I went to the bathroom at 6am stood up and saw blood. Not brownish discharge or spotting, but blood. I knew. I knew right then that I was loosing the baby. A trip to the ER, blood tests, meds, u/s, more blood... I remember laying in the hospital bed and feeling empty. The baby was gone. No one understood what I felt. How I felt. How guilty and empty I felt. How could I mourn the loss of my baby when I never felt connected to it in the first place? What kind of mother was I that I frequently forgot I was even pregnant and would catch myself lifting something or cleaning something I probably shouldn't have been? How could I feel so heartbroken that I lost this thing I had named when I didn't feel that same "thing" that familiar feeling I had felt with my boys. I remember feeling that disconnect when I was pregnant and lost the previous baby in June 2009. And that made me feel even more guilty. Over the next few days I cried and looked for any possible thing I could have done to prevent it. There was nothing. Nothing at all, I was even doing things to prevent a miscarriage (taking Maca Powder, whole food prenatal vitamins, organic pregnancy tea, eating chemical free healthy food etc) So I started doing more soul searching. I prayed and thought about it a lot. I remembered the poem, I remembered my belief of a baby choosing the parents and thought of the emptiness I felt. Maybe I jumped the gun on trying to be pregnant, maybe there was a physical baby but not growing or thriving because the perfect spirit for us had not chosen us yet. We are going ahead with our original plan or trying again in Aug (in a couple weeks actually) and I pray not that we get pregnant, but that our future son or daughter spirit finds up and picks us so we can love and raise them in this life. The last month has been difficult. Not the most difficult we've been through thank God but very difficult nonetheless. Ive hopefully handled it with more love and grace than I did in the past and hopefully this is the last time we have to go through loosing a baby. Since then I have realized I can easily handle 3 kids and definitely want to. I imagine my life with 3 children playing and helping me in our garden or hanging our clothes, playing in the sprinkler together. I know I'm meant to do this. For those of you reading this please send loving thoughts and prayers that the perfect spirit for us finds us and we conceive that beautiful healthy baby and carry it to term. Thank you all for letting me share my story. 








Baby's Choice
Did you ever think, dear Mother,
As the seeds of me you sowed,
As you breathed new life inside of me
And slowly watched me grow,
In all your dreams about me
When you planned me out so well,
When you couldn't wait to have me there
Inside your heart to dwell,
Did you ever think that maybe,
I was planning for you, too,
And choosing for my very own
A mother just like you?
A mother who smelled sweet and who
had hands so creamy white,
A tender, loving creature
Who would soothe me in the night?
Did you ever think in all those days
While you were coming due,
That as you planned a life for me
I sought a life with you?
And now as I lay in your arms,
I wonder if you knew
While you were busy making me,
I was choosing you!
~ Colleen M. Story ~

Loss

I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 2 weeks ago yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and started bleeding. A trip to the ER showed nothing on the sonogram and my HCG levels were only 250. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even though I knew I was loosing another baby. This was my 3rd loss. I don't know why these things happen or if something I could have done differently. Part of me thinks that every soul chooses its parents before they are born and maybe this baby didn't have a soul that had chosen it and us yet so it miscarried. Maybe it had some illness that kept it from growing. We will never know. The other more illogical part of myself in the midst of the tears thinks why am I a good mother that does everything she can right loose babies when I see other "mothers" smoke, drink, do drugs etc through their pregnancies and the babies come out ok. Why are they deserving of their children when they don't care enough to stop what they're doing? I know its not as black and white as that but you cant help but feel that way. With the physical pain comes more mental hurting. I take comfort in us trying again in a few months since this baby was a surprise and we may not have been 100% ready for it but then this fear also sets in that what if it happens again? N had known we were pregnant and was sure we were having a baby girl I thought he would have been more upset to find out be lost the baby. He assured me it was ok and that its not my fault and that he loves me. I guess in the middle of the pain I can take comfort in my 2 boys that are so loving. I am also so thankful for all my friends that have sent their well wishes and offers of help. Super mom K is out for 1-2 weeks and J is having to take over the house and the kids. Pray for him LOL Poor guy its a lot to take on.
I wanted to share my story because I feel like we all hide the loss like its a badge of something we have done wrong. Or that we are broken in some way. Its not like that. Its just what it is, maybe not meant to be. Share your stories and pain mamas. Help other moms out there and help yourself.

The Mommy War

    This subject is kind of a sore spot for me since Ive seen and been the victim of the mommy battles. Its silly and ridiculous really, we are a community of women that really love and care for our children and want to do the best for them, ourselves and our families and we are busy hating on each other, especially when that energy can be better spent focusing on real child abuse and helping children that are real victims. The crimes I'm talking about are the breast vs bottle, cloth vs disposable, Natural birth vs Epidural, Etc. It seems like we all want to stick very close to our guns of the things we KNOW if right and good for our children the rub it in everyone's face and say how wrong they are if they don't fall in line. I find these attitudes are pushed a lot by Dr's or "experts" in the field. And I think on my side it's time to air the dirty laundry a bit.
     4 + years ago I got pregnant with N and went into a tizzy of trying to get all the right books are read the right things to prepare myself to become a first time mom. Towards the end of my pregnancy I realized I knew how to do most of the things like changing diapers, clothes, meds if needed, burping etc BUT I had no idea how to breastfeed. So 8 month pregnant I waddle my way to the local bookstore and start to read through the chunk of breastfeeding books, even came across a book from a self proclaimed expert (not a Dr) that stated if a woman cannot breastfeed shes just not trying hard enough and clearly not a good mother. Oh my! The fear set in a little, What if I couldn't breastfeed? What if he didn't like it? What if I HATED it? No No not possible. Then I talked to the lactation consultant at my local WIC office and heard the same. If its painful I'm not doing something correct etc. Ok... I'm for sure going to breastfeed. After all I want the best for him right? I'm going to be the perfect mom right? (Yeah right) August 21st I am induced and have a gorgeous 8lb 4oz baby boy and that night we start in on trying to breastfeed. It..is..awful. More nurses more consultants telling me I'm not doing something right. Awesome. I get home and try to feed for 3 1/2 weeks at one point through the pain and sleep deprived delirium I think I love it, for about 2 days. Then I hit PPD as N hit his first growth spurt and I couldn't keep up feeding him. I completely broke down. J comes home from work after a frantic call from me to find me sobbing in a corner partially because I was in so much pain and part because I felt like a failure as a mother. It didn't help to have the words of mothers for the last 9 months echoing in my head "you're going to breastfeed right? Oh good girl" J talked some sense into me and we bought some formula. It was amazing. He was full, happy and stopped crying. We had some formula troubles too, for the time being we thought he was lactose intolerant when we found out he is actually hormone and additive intolerant. We switched to prosobee and I had a dream baby. Then I had to go back to work and more guilt set in. fast forward through the mess of my life that Ive already blogged frequently about to me staying home with N and pregnant with Baby M. Again other peoples questions as well as my own start popping in, "Will I attempt to breastfeed again?" Will I really try to put myself through it again? I agonized over my choice for months with J in the background telling me formula is just fine, my Dr's telling me that formula is close to breast milk and I need to focus on being a great mommy too even my own mother and mother in law saying its ok, just bottlefeed. It wasn't that easy for me here was my 2nd chance to be the perfect mom again.. But alas I decided that I needed to formula feed and joined support groups online to help me through the guilt. That was a great decision! This group on Facebook has been amazing. Mothers exchanging stories of their smart, rarely sick, sweet, fun, perfectly healthy children. Caring, intelligent moms that chose not to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. Yesterday one of them posted an article about breastfeeding that opening my eyes and the guilt has dissolved. I know made the right choice for Baby M, our family, and myself.
     The war doesn't just stop at breastfeeding unfortunately, it extends to Attachment Parenting, Co-Sleeping, crying it out sleep training, diapering, etc. I have been on the hostile side of some Natural Parenting parents (I'm going to insert here that I have very good friends that are breastfeeding, natural, AP, Cloth diapering parents and have been incredible, supportive and informative to all questions I have had with no judgement. The perspective I'm showing if from a majority that I have experienced but in no way my only experience and not all natural parents are pushy whack jobs) The reason I have set the following scenario of the treatment that I and some of my other friends have received is because I want to clear up a few things that I feel are misconceptions about certain parenting styles.
    1. I am a practicing "cry it out" sleep training mommy. There are numerous studies done by both opposing sides showing the pros and cons to the CIO method. I'm not going to lie. It's a difficult thing to do. As a mom you' re hardwired to run to the aid of your child when the cry, however. At some point your child will need  to know how to soothe themselves. It seems like the anti crying it out group think that when I'm tired of tending to my baby I stick him in his crib and ignore his cries while I pour myself a glass of wine and draw a bubble bath. Nope. You check for full tummy, clean diaper, baby is not sick or in pain and right when they are sleepy but not over tired (this requires being attentive and in tune with your child) lay them in their crib to fall asleep on their own. Sometimes especially when they're older they will cry. Check on them in minute intervals. 5-10-15-20 and comfort them to let them know they aren't alone. Usually after 3 days your baby will be sleeping on their own and quickly through the night. I in no way just let my kids idly cry themselves to sleep.

2. Bottlefeeding and Baby Bonding:
Listen this will be short and sweet. If you cant or don't want to breastfeed no biggie, hold your baby, snuggle them and feed them with a bottle, hold it in the same position where your breast is and talk to your baby and make eye contact. Both my boys are incredibly bonded to me, no boobs required. Even better Dad (or other mama) can join in too. If you're worried about lack of skin to skin contact practice baby massage or unbutton your shirt a little.

3. Keep in mind you're a mommy first but also still a woman and a spouse and your significant other loves you too (that's how baby got here) If you like the benefits of co-sleeping the awesome. I'm not a fan personally for multiple reasons. Besides some safety issues my top reason is I still need my own space an time to stay mentally healthy. My adult bed for my adult things. My kids have their own safe lovely beds and using the sleep training helps them learn to sleep in their own space. I like it because Id rather not have to deal with the fussing of sleeping in their own bed when they get older.

4. Babywearing. I love it. Its amazing. Its the extra hands I wish God had given me when I had children. Its handy and snugly and amazing. I fully believe in the benefits of babywearing. HOWEVER. When I am in public and its 90 degrees out and I'm sweating profusely and my son is naturally hot natured  like his father and I have my baby in his stroller instead please no dirty looks. Thanks.

5. Cloth diapering. I LOVE LOVE LOVE CDing! Extreme couponing my ass. I will save thousands of dollars over the course of cloth diapering. Not to mention the environmental benefits. Its amazing. When N was a baby it wasn't an option for me at all though. Working FT and trying to keep up on diaper laundry. Uh no thanks. I couldn't keep up on reg laundry. Then with Baby M I looked into it but it seemed so expensive. As he got older I researched some more and talked to a few CDing friends found the Econobum Starter Kit for $49.99. Great way to try it out and see if it'll work for you. Especially with disposable diapers going up. But if you're a working mom or really busy CD may not be for you. Just reach out and ask people for info and see what works for you.

6. Childbirth. I'd Love to have a water birth someday. However my hospital doesn't offer it. I'm sure home births work very well for most women. Due to the issues I've had in the past I personally am not comfortable with it. That being said I am a pain pansy and I would prefer to not feel my woman part tear open anymore than most people want to feel the teeth get ripped out of their head at the dentist. If I decide to have an epidural in the future that is my choice because its my vagina. Also if you have a penis you have no input on what the best thing is for me. You will not ever experience childbirth the way a woman will so until you do keep your mouth closed. Thanks :)

7. Lastly.. Love & Logic
It may seem cruel that my son has choices and consequences like no toys or no TV time or even scrubbing the floor. He's 3 with chores and is required to clean up his messes. He gets an allowance and if he wants a new toy he has to use his own money. All these things may seem mean or unfair but its a proven loving empathetic system and more importantly its not your kid ;) I'm working on raising children that are responsible and prepared for life in a loving positive way (but also letting him still be a kid) I love L&L Its been a life saver for me. If anyone has questions I have a link to their site below and you can email me and ask anything :)

These are the things I get judged for. These are the things I get eye rolls, how could you's, or you're making a mistake's over. This is my own freedom declaration . I'M the mommy. J is the daddy. We've got a few years, tons of mistakes (or learning opportunities) and lots of research guided by our higher beliefs to help us be great parents. I hope if other moms are struggling with their own choices or decisions and are bombarded by naysayers that they keep on. And as the moms that are being attacked or ridiculed lets not return the favor. The other moms that make us feel so small and horrid have their own insecurities and we shouldn't attack them either. We are moms, we are women and we are all trying. Lets band to together and share practices to raise well balanced healthy kids into adults and focus on educating young inexperienced (or even older inexperienced) mothers. Maybe educating the overwhelmed can prevent REAL child abuse.

LINKS:
"The Case Against Breastfeeding" By: Hanna Rosin
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/
The Love & Logic Institute:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

How to disinfect cloth diapers

Came across this article on disinfecting cloth diapers and Im really excited especially because I dont like the idea of using bleach or harsh chemicals on Baby M's diapers. So here's some tips for my other CDing mamas out there. Cant wait to try the grape seed or tea tree extract! (Oh a side note I have tried the vinegar and when Baby M pee it has this weird chemical reaction and causes his pee diapers to smell really strange. I stopped using the vinegar and started using Borax powder)

Washing on Hot and line drying – The easiest and most natural way to disinfect is to simply wash theclean diapers on Hot, and put in the sun to dry. I would leave them in the sun for at least a couple of hours.

Grape Seed Extract – Tests have shown that GSE is dramatically more effective than Colloidal Silver, Iodine, Tea Tree Oil and Clorox bleach against five common microorganisms. For more, please visit:http://drjaygordon.com/breastfeeding/thrush.html

2 teaspoons added to the washer while filling should suffice.

Tea Tree oil is another option.  Add 2 Teaspoons to the washer while filling. Make sure you are using 100% tea tree oil and not a cheaper mixture.

You will want to look for a high Terpinen-4-ol and low Cineole concentration.

Hydrogen Peroxide – 3%, typically found in the grocery store. Pour ½ cup of your hydrogen peroxide in the bleach cup/section of your washing machine. If your washing machine does not have this section, allow the washer to fill to the load level before placing the clothing in the washer and pour the hydrogen peroxide directly into the water. Allow the washer to agitate a few times before placing the clothing in. This distributes the peroxide.

Vinegar - Another alternative to bleach is white vinegar. Pour ½ cup of distilled white vinegar in the bleach cup/section of your washing machine. Vinegar, however, should not be used with microfiber or laminated diapers, as the vinegar smell will linger on the diapers, and can eat away at PUL. This is for a one-time use only, as the acidity can also affect other components if used on a more frequent basis.

Sources include http://drjaygordon.com/breastfeeding/thrush.html

**Please be sure to check with manufacturer’s washing instructions (and warranty information) before starting any disinfecting routine.