I am Wonder Woman

Well maybe not, but I feel like it. Around the end of December I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I wanted to workout but never had the time with 3 little boys and felt like I would weigh 180+ lbs forever. I think at that point I had even started crawling back up to 185 again. I was on a favorite fitness site of mine and found a friend that is now my Team Beachbody coach. I signed up under her and joined her Facebook fitness group of women motivating each other instead of cutting each other down. I felt more like maybe I could do this but still made excuses for time. I mean seriously how many other women have 3 BOYS all 5 and under?! Then I saw Maria Kang. Her picture popped up looking amazing with her 3 boys all 3 and under posed around her fit body with a headline "What's YOUR excuse?" Uhhhh well Maria my excuse was that I had 3 kids close together and I don't have time but you've pretty much blown that out of the water now haven't you? Well crap. Now I have to think of another excuse. Surely she has a nanny or a personal trainer or she never ever eats anything fun? RIGHT? Nope. She is just dedicated to her body just as much as she's dedicated to her home business and her family. (Insert line of expletives here.) Ok, ok, ok. As I am pondering starting Turbo Fire and all the excuses I still had as to why I couldn't do it another blog I follow announces Garden of Life vitamins is having a free trial for their new weight loss supplements Fuco Thin Green and if you are chosen you will get so many months for free to test it. What now? My favorite vitamin company is giving away free all natural, organic, non GMO, weight loss supplements to 25 lucky people?? I HAVE to try for this. And I did. And guess what? I got it! That got my momentum going. Seeing Maria, watching Ashley bust it out through a pregnancy, and now getting this trial, I had to start right then. I got Turbo Fire and started January 21, 2013. About 3 weeks in I didn't feel like there was a lot of changes, my weight wasn't going down and I was feeling overall discouraged that my house was in disarray and time with my children was suffering but dangit I was going to do this. I felt like stopping and just sticking with my new found yoga practice I had started once a week, I cried that even though I wanted to feel better I obviously wanted to stop looking 3-4 mos pregnant too. I messaged Ashley completely discouraged, she gave me more pointers and refreshed my resolve and I kept going. At 4 weeks I took pictures and measurements and could see a slight change. YAY! At 6 weeks I had dropped a few inches and the lbs were starting to come off. WOO! By 8-10weeks I had dropped over 10lbs since I had started Turbo Fire, 20+lbs from my heaviest and my body was showing significant changes. I started adding more changes, Garden of Life's Raw Meal Meal Replacement shakes for lunch, amino acids, probiotics, and iForce Nutrition's Compete. Raw Meal is very similar to Shakeology but without the adaptogen blend, it's raw food, vegan, and gluten free. I think if you can afford Starbucks and fast food you can afford Shakeology but since I can't afford either of those I definitely can afford Garden of Life's Raw Meal. It tastes good and its so similar to Shakeo I am able to do the cleanses and make the yummy no bake cookies with it. Raw Meal made a huge difference in my energy levels and overall how I felt, but the balance of my life came back when I was introduced to Compete by iForce Nutrition. This stuff I call my Supermommy Juice. It has turned me into a full fledged Wonder Woman. I ran my first 5K with it, I worked out 3+ hours a day, played outside for 2 hours with my kids and had a perfectly clean house with it. It. is. AMAZING! No caffeine, just clean energy. If you haven't tried it. DO IT! Every mama, especially ones working to be fit and balance their me time with family time should have this. I went from no water a day, to choking down 50-70+ ozs a day to now putting down 90 oz a day with Compete and I am so productive. I wouldn't be where I am so far without these people and without these supplements. I also invested in some workout clothes and a Polar HRM. Knowing how many calories I am burning pushed me to beat myself every time. Fitness is an investment in yourself. If you can afford the soda, the fast food, the Starbucks and doughnuts you can afford this stuff to make your life healthier. Because of conquering my fitness fears I have been able to conquer other fears, my yoga practice has helped me in my life so much too. Me, who had a panic attack on a fair ride 6 years ago because I am so afraid of heights, jumped out of an airplane on Easter Sunday. I am putting my fears of being judged to the side and putting myself out there by posting less than pretty pics of myself on the internet, by meeting new people, by trying a yoga asana that I might totally bite it while attempting. I am putting on my Wonder Woman gear and running Warrior Dash for the first time in 2 weeks, and I have even decided to pursue a career as yoga instructor. I am working on being more mindful in my life, being grateful everyday and for the first time in a while I am excited to wake up in the mornings, not dreading the workday ahead but know now I can handle what comes my way. I am still the Farmer's market loving, cloth diapering (again finally), hippie mom, but now I get to be the yoga mama, the fit mama, the sexy wife and Wonder Woman all rolled in to one.
Everyday now I get up and ask myself "What's MY excuse today" after I answer I push past it and keep going.

Here are links to all the helpful people!!
Garden of Life: http://www.gardenoflife.com/
Maria Kang: http://www.mariakang.com/
Ashley Bailey the worlds best Team Beachbody Coach if you want to start changing your life: http://wwww.beachbodycoach.com/ASHBAILEY86
iForce Nutrition: http://www.iforcenutrition.com/
Sage Studio: www.mysagestudio.com

After my 1st 5K

Turbo Fire Before and After 90 Days

Garden of Life Raw Meal

Turbo Fire 8 week progress

Garden of Life FucoThin Green

iForce Nutrition Compete

My 1st full wheel in yoga

Turbo Fire 6 week progress

From Mom to Mom

On the heels of so much sleep training bashing recently I have to share a few things I have learned so far about being a mom for my new mamas out there.
#1. If you think sleep training is letting your baby idly cry (scream or being generally upset) while you put your feet up in the other room, you're doing it wrong. Sleep training is assuring that your baby is fed, loved, dry, burped and not sick or colicky/in pain and laying them down to learn it's safe and ok to fall asleep in their own bed instead of your arms/bed/their car seat etc. Sometimes they may cry because they are tired and do not want to sleep because everything else seems so much more interesting and thats ok. But plopping baby into its crib and walking away without routine, wind down time, assuring they are ok and feeling safe... not ok.

#2. Take time to read the baby books and learn general things like babies cannot have certain foods before a year, straight water before 6mos (This can be DEADLY for a baby), how to secure baby in car seats and the car seat to the car, when they can have certain meds, etc Find out what safe alt treatments are out there for them and by what age groups. These things can literally save your baby's life.

#3. Whether you're a Stay home mom, working mom, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cloth diapering, disposable diapering, vaxing, not, cir'c ing, not, etc You're right. Do your research and make the choice right for your family. The only right answer here is what works for you, family and baby. What you feed your baby AFTER the first year of life is just as important as what you fed it for the first year, so please do not be high and mighty about breast milk or formula then give your kids constant fast food and junk.

#4. This too shall pass.
The times that you haven't slept for hours, you are crying along with the baby and you feel like your legs may never get shaved again... It will pass. When your toddler seems to only have 1 volume and it's screaming. The tantrums seem to be unending and you feel like the worst parent ever.. This too shall pass. But so will the good things. The small moments, the rocking before bed, the private feedings, the firsts, etc. Those will also pass, so savor and enjoy them.

#5. Love them all the time, unconditionally.
Love and enjoy them for who they are even f who they are doesn't match with what you imagined or thought it should be. Love them no matter what.

#6 Be good examples. Most of the time kids that are rude, disrespectful, snotty, and unappreciative have parents that act like that towards them. If you wouldn't talk to your spouse or a stranger like that, chances are you shouldn't talk to your child that way. Model the behavior you want to see in them.

#7 Let them be a kid. Let them play, build, get messy, run, play, scream, and rompus. Preserve their innocence. We need more adults that aren't cynical and dead inside. You can learn just as much from them as they learn from you if you allow them to just be and you are open to watch it.

#8. Babywear. Not because its beneficial and wonderful and all of those things, but because it's convenient and amazing. HAHA I would have lot my sanity with 3 small kids by now without babywearing. Slings and boppys are more useful than a crib in the first 3 months.

#9. Teach them to love to clean! Trust me on this one. Having kids that thinks cleaning is fun, is awesome. And makes your job 1000x easier.

#10. Don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles. I'm not going to fight my kid for an hour over a jacket when he may not be cold or get mad that while I type this my 7 month old has decided to experiment with pouring water on my coffee table and splashing in it. Because water will dry and not stain and he's having fun.

#11. If you have boys, teach them to be gentlemen, teach them to clean, cook, and sew as much as you teach them to build and fix. If you have girls, give them cars and powertools, not just kitchens and babies. Teach them they can be an astronaut or a geologist just like they can be a mommy. Teach all of them to respect themselves and others. To treat their body with care. That their bodies are sacred and to be respected with good food, rest and not to be given away. 

There are more. So many many more. But this was on my mind. Enjoy your kids and savor all the silliness and sweetness you can. 

Looking back on this year of growth, with love.

    2012 has been a year of growth and change for me. Looking back on even the "bad" things or the challenges I have to do it with a smile. This year started with us outgrowing our old home and moving into a new home that has been a source of great joy this year. I can see us moving on to a permanent and larger home for 2013. I will look at this home with so many fond memories when that time comes. We had an amazing birth experience that brought me into my own as a mom and woman. We brought our newest and last bundle of chilled out, sweet, giggly joy home this year. I have pushed myself, my body, and my spirit to new limits this year that will only continue for 2013. J and I have grown stronger as a couple this year. I became a school mom and a sports mom this year. I have learned so much about who I want to be, who I am as myself, a wife, and a mother. I am finally changing my thinking and realizing how much love and happiness I deserve, that thinking can only bubble over to everyone around me. We have reconnected with old friends, made new friends and let go of "friends" that were not real friends. I turned 30 and while my party was not at all what I wanted it to be I know my 30s will be amazing. I lost my a friend and guide this year. While she was "only a cat" to some, she had been a confidant to me for more than half my life and she knew that this was the year to leave and let me grow more on my own. She will always be remembered and greatly missed. We welcomed a new friend and guide into our lives about a month after Ty passed. Luna has so much similar energy, she is so bright, sweet and fun. Looking back on how quickly the year pasted, there are so many things I can think of but can't put into words.
     My hopes and resolutions for 2013 are to write and journal more. To keep a journal of the boys' milestones and funny sayings to remember. To get to a healthy weight and feel confident in my body again. To improve on being loving, patient and kind. To practice more random acts of kindness and gratitude. To be more adventurous. To make time for myself, time for yoga, time for meditating. To start fulfilling a vision I have for where I want to be in our lives. I want to let go of the past, heal, forgive myself and others and move forward. I'm sure I will think of more memories and more resolutions as this week goes on. Right now I can't help but feel an excitable energy for what's to come and bless the past with a smile, knowing each year is new experiences and ways to change and evolve. Happy 2013 to everyone. I hope this year treats you with love and happiness and you can look back on the positives of 2012 with a smile as well.

What a Difference 2 Years Makes

Two years ago today I was upset and disappointed. I was scheduled for an induction, got up at 3 am, bags packed, showered and called the hospital to confirm. They told me to stay home. The delivery ward was full and they were turning women away to other hospitals. Looking back I guess it just wasn't meant to be for M to be born on November 2nd for whatever reason but we tried again the next morning. Nervous and scared that my In-Laws would not be able to be there since they had taken the previous day off and worried I would call and hear that I would be waiting another day to meet my little man, I still picked up the phone and called. They said come on in we are waiting for you. We went in and got hooked up, back labor would not subside and even with an epidural the pain was intense. My birth doula was there and was a complete God send. I had never had a doula prior to this and she kept me calm and focused through my 11 hours of labor. At the end my doctor popped in long enough to deliver him and 13 mins of pushing later we were blessed with a screaming and crying, very pissed off Baby M. The smallest of my babies at 6 lbs 14 oz he had (and still has) the loudest cry. He was so similar to N but so different at the same time. We quickly learned he had silent reflux and he was colicky, vastly different than my easy going Baby Bear (N) but they both enjoyed eating frequently. Every feeding I was glad I had chosen to formula feed, imagining how awful I would have felt trying to keep up with his every 45 min nursing sessions. Then N broke his leg and I was even more grateful for formula since that night was my first night away from my newborn son.   Looking back on the last 2 years I realize that there are so many things different about M because I am able to be here to watch him grow, teach him and experience things with him, a gift I did not have with N at that age. I became a mom with N and for the 3 years that he was my one and only, he taught me so many things, but M and N together taught me how to be a mother. When we moved into our old apartment and I became pregnant with M I started changing and evolving. Now I'm a mother of 3 of the most sweet, funny, sensitive, amazing sons and they each have taught me different things. M is a funny, sweet, empathetic, loving little boy. He has his own sense of humor and I've rarely seen a kid so smart. 2 years seems like forever ago but also not possible that its been that long. I look at who I was then and who I am now and its so different. I'm so much more confident as a woman and mother.
    


M,
You are such an incredible boy. Sometimes I just sit and stare at you. You look like a perfect little doll. I feel sorry for people that haven't made an effort to get to know who you are. You have such deep thought in those blue green eyes of yours and a spirit that I can only hope evolves but never fully changes. You have an amazement, wonder, and humor that is infectious. You love and trust deeply, please do not ever loose those qualities. Your favorite thing to do is run and hug my leg, you tell me all the time how much you love me and when I tuck you in at night you ask for hugs and kisses then stare into my eyes, pet my face and kiss my cheeks. I know these moments will not last forever and I cherish every one in case its the last time. Sometimes there is nothing more fun than annoying your older brother but you also pride yourself on being a big boy and being an excellent big brother to Baby J. I cannot wait to see what this year of your life brings and how your grow and change even more and how I change as a mommy. Thank you my little Pipsqueak, my dancing partner, my crazy monster for picking me as your mommy. I thank God every day for you.
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Your Mama

Day 3

We are 3 days into the 7 Night's of sex challenge. I've noticed that we are a lot more flirty and touchy feely today. Tonight I wasn't as stuck in ny head. At one point it seemed like a meditative state. It was just relaxing. I find it interesting all 3 night's have been very different.

7 Nights of Sex Day 1 and 2

For anyone that hasn't seen Lifetimes show 7 Nights of Sex the premise is that we all know that after years in a relationship, kids, bills, stress, work.. etc romance and sex tend to fall away. One of my favorite relationship quotes is "Love is friendship set on fire" and it's true, passiob, attraction, and sex sets friendships and roommates apart from lovers and couples. But it is so very easy to forget that. Most women want romance and thoughtfulness and men want that sexy temptress  in Tue bedroom, we were probably  those things for each other falling in love and then life happens. This challenge is to have couples commit to 7 nights straight of sex no matter what. Committing to the passion, the sensuality and the sexy side of the relationship. After 2 babies in 2 years and trying to connect with and love myself and my body again I thought we could use this kind of commitment to each other physically and mentally again.
Day 1 was sort of easy because we went a week without sex before and really let it build  up, then had an at home date and a few drinks.
Day 2... A little harder. I've been sick with a cold and exhausted  all day. Plus I have a monkey mind that goes and goes full of a thousand things and it's difficult to shut off and just feel. After a few mins of woosah, I shut the thoughts off and we kissed... Like really kissed. It was tender and sweet. I could get used to this. :)

How does she do it?

I don't see myself as a supermom but I get asked a lot how I balance everything. Some days I feel like I'm juggling and barely keeping the balls in the air. Other days its seems so easily and simple I don't think twice about it. I've already posted about my schedule and keeping organized this post is more about keeping your sanity.
Sometimes I see moms complaining and think to myself "We want to be martyrs because that's what we are used to hearing from other moms for generations" I think we make it hard on ourselves when it doesn't always need to be. Here's my tips:

#1: Make A Schedule.

One thing I do is give myself a "clock out" time. After this time of night I'm off so to speak. Ill cook dinner and tend to my kids if they get out of bed, are sick, or had a bad dream just like a mom that works outside of the house. However I don't do anymore housework. Once my boys are in bed for the night I give myself 30 more mins to finish up the end of the day stuff like vacuuming and cleaning up the kitchen and then I'm off. The rest of my night is to have time to watch TV or movies, read a book or one on one time with my husband. Granted I still don't go to bed before midnight usually but that's because I'm a night owl. I also use this time at night to work out if I didn't have time that morning.

#2: Teach your kids to entertain themselves

Kids having the ability to play alone is just as important as you playing together and them playing with other children. They need to feel secure enough to be self sufficient in some areas. This also helps when you need a mental break during the day or you need to tend to housework, work out, or make dinner.

#3: Empower your kids to make their own choices and teach them through daily life and play.

If you're trying to cook and your kiddo is clinging to your apron then sit them up on the counter at a safe distance and teach them how to cook. Cooking is also a great math activity as well. If you're cleaning then give them a towel, have them help load or unload the dishes (Toddlers can handle the plastic unbreakable stuff) If they're too young for that invest in a wrap. They are life savers!

#4: Pick your battles

Ask yourself how much this will this matter in the long run then let it go if you can. Clothes don't always have to match and sometimes breakfast for dinner and mashed potatoes and green beans for breakfast is ok.                                                                                               

#5: Take a time out when you need it

Time outs aren't just for kids. If you feel like your head is going to explode, they can play alone for 5 mins while you take a few deep breaths

#6: 15 mins is your best friend
Grab your to do list and work on it for 15 mins then stop to play. By the end of the day everything is done and youre not overwhelmed.

Most of all take one day at a time and enjoy your babies because the won't be little long. I do a good job balancing everything usually and sometimes I don't. I'm lucky to have a supportive husband and family to help on the days I have cracked. So be gentle with yourself and do the best you can.

Organizing and Routine

It occurred to me that I am incredibly anal about my daily routine and being organized. I'm a control freak, I admit it, I spent a few years being a run away from everything freak and it didn't benefit me very well so I like to have things done. I wanted to share my routine and some resources so other mamas trying to get some control on their day can get some ideas.

One of my favorite resources is FlyLady. She really gave me a foundation for my routine. I downloaded her app for my Android phone for a bit and then went with a new app call Chore List that I have customized for myself.
1. One of my favorite tips is instead of having a laundry day as soon as you wake up put a load of laundry on, switch and fold it (I'm terrible about the folding part so I have a folding day) It keeps from getting overwhelmed with a ton of dirty clothes.
2.Swish and Shine is another Fly Lady tip. While brushing your teeth during the rinse, wipe down your bathroom counter and mirror, when you're done and leave grab the dirty clothes to start for a wash. BAM! Your bathroom is always company ready!
3.I have 3 kids so I reserve floors and dishes for the last part of my day. While the boys eat dinner and the baby naps or I'm wearing him I wipe counters and load the dishwasher. Once they're in bed I run the vacuum and mop. No point in doing housework twice.
4. Delegate, Delegate, Delegate! My oldest is almost 5 yrs old, he has his list of contributions to the house. He's mainly responsible for the cleanliness of his own room. He shares with his brother who is only 19 mos so M helps a little. I'm teaching him to pick up and put away. N feeds the dog in the morning, his fish, takes care of his room, cleans his dishes from his spot at the table, and at the end of the day he picks up and puts away his toys with M's help. As the younger boys get older they will have their own set of responsibilities.
5. When you absolutely don't feel like cleaning do 15 minute bursts. Pick a chore and set a timer, clean for only 15 minutes then relax for 15. You can do anything for 15 mins.
6. Give yourself a "time off" My workday ends when I put the kids to bed. By bedtime I enjoy the nighttime routine with my boys then vacuum and I'm "off". No more dishes or folding etc. This gives you 3-4 hours depending on when you go to bed for adult time with your spouse or just you time.
7. Make sure your kids have a set bedtime routine. Consistency is imperative for this. Children need routines and stability. Giving yourself time off at the end of the day hinges on your kids ability to stay in bed and be comfortable going to bed on their own.
8. If you have a "big" cleaning day (Mine is usually Saturdays) Don't schedule errands for that day if possible. No reason to overwhelm yourself.
9. Never feel bad about saying "NO". Your family, your relationship, yourself, and your home comes first. Helping friends and extended family come second. Don't over extend yourself.
10. Set up a household hub station. I used the dishwasher rack idea from Pinterest. I have a binder with family info and folders for incoming mail, medical info, reciepts, warranty info, etc. It keeps everything right where you need it.

Perry Family Hub

Perry Family Hub

 Here's is my checklist routine to give you an idea:
DAILY:
Make the bed first thing (Makes your room feel better and you instantly feel like you've accomplished something)
Start a load of laundry
Help with toy clean up
Wash dishes
Clean counters
Take out trash and recycling
General living room clean up
Vacuum Living room
Before bed make breakfast for the older boys and set up bottles for over night feedings for Baby J
Set coffee maker up

WEEKLY
Clean Bathrooms
Vacuum bedrooms
Mop
Change bed linens
Sweep front porch
Fold and put away clothes
Water plants
Wipe sliding door glass
Clean bedrooms
Dust
Clean kitty box

BI-WEEKLY
Vacuum furniture
Clean Playroom
Clean Microwave

MONTHLY
Clean windows
Wash out trash cans
Clean fridge
Wipe walls, pictures etc
Wash curtains
Organize and throw out papers
Disinfect toys and rotate old toys

I hope this helps anyone get a routine of their own going. Downloading the apps def helps and Fly Lady is a wonderful resource!

Small changes for the better

Maybe it's the mostly vegetarian diet I'm on as apart of my clean eating, maybe it's the daily workouts or the twice a day showers because Im weird and have to shower before bed no matter when I took a shower last.. Anyway I have noticed some differences in the last 4 days.

I'm being more patient in general but especially with my parenting. I always thought when people said you had to have "you" time or take care of yourself first to be able to take care of your kids they meant time away from my kids, more than I was willing to do. But I understand now that it doesn't have to mean that. I am still in the dreading the workout phase a little but throughout my day I notice I'm able to implment the Love and Logic practices so much easier, AND I haven't yelled in a week. I'm really proud of myself in that area since I have a tendency to be a "yeller"

I have a much higher sex drive. I think mostly because I have more energy and confidence just knowing that I may not look any different yet but that I'm committing to being different.

See above. I have more confidence Haha. I'm also being more outgoing. I feel a bit f my old self but better returning.

I'm sleeping better, when I can sleep. Baby J is still waking up at least once a night for about 2 hours.

We had to skip this morning so we are about to do our workout tonight instead. If there's time for Facebook or Blogging there's time for Insanity. 

Doing it for myself

This is me. 29 years old, after 3 kids, 2 of them in less than 2 years and a miscarriage in between the 2. This is my "Before" picture. 172 lbs and 5'8" This is what I wont be again.

Im on day 3 of Insanity and everyday while Im pushing through the pain, sweat, inability to breathe, I think of my reasons Im doing this and I repeat them over and over to myself.
Im doing this:
So I dont have to wear 2 shirts or any shirt that could double as a flow-y maternity shirt to hide my stomach.
For the gap between my thighs and the V on my hips
For no muffin top
Because I will not have the excuse "Well I have had babies" I'm doing it BECAUSE I have babies and they deserve a mommy that plays with them, not watches from a chair.
For the Haters. For those people that think I can't or won't or that I will give up. The ones that think I'm not strong enough or dedicated enough.
Because I refuse to quit and give up on myself
Because everyday I have the eyes of a 4 year watching me stop, take a breath and make a choice to keep going when I think I can't go anymore. Parenting is mostly by example, I wont set the example that giving up when it hard is okay.
I feel amazing after I am dripping with sweat, barely breathing, red-faced, showering and lathering up my girly smelling soap. It reminds me I can kick ass and be feminine in the moment
So I dont have to wear a tankini and I can wear a bikini ;)
To make his jaw drop, so he whispers "wow" when he sees me, so we can live life together and not just talk about it from the couch.
Because today after only 3 days of pushing myself I achieved 2 goals and it proved to me it's worth it, and I CAN DO it.
 

Identity

I've been struggling a lot lately. You spend 9-10 months watching your body slowly grow and change from a woman into a mother the within hours its back to being woman not womb but not the woman that you were before.. A stretched, bloated warped version of what it was before and people expect you should just bounce right back within 6 weeks. That you should be back to being YOU again after that. That's where I'm struggling... Ive been pregnant through 2 successful pregnancies and a miscarriage for almost 2 years now. And within 5 hours I'm not a blossoming pregnant woman, a birthing Goddess.. I'm a stretched warped version of me. I love being a mom and I'm struggling with never being able to be pregnant again, leaving my 20s and my childbearing years and embarking on a new phase of my life. I'm struggling with not knowing who I am for sure right now or if I need to fit into a box of one type of person. Can most days I be the hippie Karen I love so much and the some days wear lipstick and heels? Can I be super fit and strong and feminine and fun? Do I have to choose just one? Where do I find the balance of "me" time and meeting new friends and being mommy to my boys? In the course of a birth so much seems to change and there are so many expectations I put on myself for perfection. I know this is a phoenix phase, if I wasn't sure the heat waves Ive been having give it away.. I'm about to burn and new me will emerge I just hate the transition time right before where nothing makes sense and I don't feel like I have an identity

The arrival of Baby J

Baby J joined our pack @ 12:59pm on May 19, 2012. This labor and delivery was by far the fastest but most challenging one I have gone through. As I enjoyed my hospital stay I thought about the little moments I wanted to blog and never forget.
We checked into the hospital at 7am on Saturday morning. They got my IV in and checked my cervix, I was at 3cm before the pitocin had even started which was a huge start for us considering with my last 2, my labor stalled at 3cm for 4-5 hours but I was already there. I made the decision to not get an epidural until I was at 5cm to keep labor progressing. My doctor comes in by 9am and breaks my water, then the contractions really start hitting hard. Briefly I feel back labor going and my doula (who is amazing by the way) has me sitting in different positions to help him rotate and right about that time the iPod is hooked up with our birthing music. One really memorable moment for me was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaned forward onto J during contractions and having him whisper in my ear how great I was doing and how strong I was. I felt like we were completely entangled and alone in those moments. The next day I saw this picture and it was a perfect representation of that moment

Another moment was being in my bed in Sims position rocking back and forth hoping he will turn and having a contraction, wondering if I can do this at all and I hear Alicia Keys Superwoman queue up on my iPod. I just sing to myself "Cause I am a superwoman, yes I am" as the contraction peaked. In that moment I was.
I did have to laugh at one part waiting to be able to push when 'Under Pressure' came on and I thought "How fitting!" Haha!
After 10 mins of pushing and an epidural that did not numb my vaginal area I was actually vocal through pushes and Baby J was laid in my arms. He is beautiful.
Over the next couple of days I come across some nurses from the nursery make a few comments about my choice to formula feed and a lactation consultant that was supremely helpful and made me really happy. I was really surprised that one nurse made a comment to me that Baby J was eating too frequently and the comment "He's not a breastfed baby, you don't have to feed him on demand, he should only eat every 3-4 hours" came about. Ummm... I'm fairly sure I'm not going to withhold food from my baby when he's hungry because my schedule says its not time to eat yet.. Who does that?! And this woman had obviously never met one of my boys before. Then another nurse that asked if I wanted him brought right back after his lab work or if she should just keep him and until his next feeding and feed him to which I replied "Bring him right back please, we feed him on demand so there isn't a set time he will eat again" She looked at me completely shocked like I had said I wanted to eat him for breakfast or something. Why is that weird? But lastly the awesome lactation consultant. One of my nurses had sent her in to answer a few questions about drying my milk up as it came in and she was so very pleasant and answered all of my questions without trying to change my mind or be pushy whatsoever. I loved her for that.
Overall my experience at Mercy for the 2nd time was great. The staff for the most part were awesome as usual. I am sad and relieved its over. I have felt the baby blues wash over me right after he arrived and I haven't quite been able to shake it off yet. I'm sure I will. I have struggle with it the most today. I feel like I should feel more empowered by my birth experience. Right now I feel scared and a little overwhelmed at being a mommy of 3, I feel guilty I need to depend so much on J over the next few weeks, I feel sad that this was the last time seeing my baby for the first time and being tucked away in our hospital room, tummy nap cuddles, and studying every feature on their face for hours. Soon J will be running crazy with his brothers with only enough time to briefly stop for a hug and even sooner after that they will all just be too busy. I want to freeze time right now, but that isn't possible. All I can do right now is soak it all in, cry when I feel the need to and lean on J just like I did during labor.
Baby J is a great baby, hes calm, quiet and sweet. He's bigger than M was at birth but he seems so much smaller because his features are so petite. And he looks a bit like me (finally!) yay! I am a truly blessed mama. I just hope I kick the weepy feeling soon.

Before you were born,. we dreamed of you, we imagined you,. we prayed for you. Now that you are here,. We hope for you, we love you,. we Thank God for you.

Giving birth

   Leading up to giving birth is such an anxious time. You scared, nervous, unsure, and impatient. There is a sense of fear but also anticipation. Giving birth as a metaphor can be used in so many areas of life. The nervous anxiousness before starting something, anything, new.
   I feel double the anxiousness recently and I just hit me why. Baby J is our last baby, so in the midst of being anxious and wondering when he will be here, what he will looks like, how he will fit into our family, will M try to hit him with something (probably..), how will I be not only to a mother of 3 now but 3 boys etc. I am realizing I am about to give birth to a new version of me. No more pregnant K ever. I'm leaving my 20's behind also. Ive noticed my tolerance for some of the actions of my friends recently getting lower and I'm increasingly getting less tolerant of people's bullshit. I feel myself standing on the edge of a cliff looking down and across wondering what "me" is waiting on the other side of having this baby. Will I lose more friends? Will I find a voice? Will I stand up for myself more? Hopefully. So in being curious as to what my new son will be like I'm also curious as to what the new me will be like as well. I'm excited but scared for both.

Why I do what I do

Our job as parents to prepare our kids for adult hood in every way possible. For them to step out as an adult and say "I recognize this world and I'm prepared for it." I wondered to myself last night if I thought it was acceptable for an adult to ask another adult to do something and if it wasn't done, done correctly, or done with a good attitude if they could then hit the other adult. That wouldn't be ok but we prepare our kids for their life by saying "Do what I say or I will hit you." Then we wonder why so many of our children are teens and adults that stay in an abusive relationship. This goes for yelling and screaming too. If J asked me to make dinner or pick up and I didn't do it right that second and he hot me or yelled at me I would walk out. But we teach our children its not only acceptable, it's normal. I never wanted to spank or yell but especially spank. Our of frustration and a lack of parenting tools I started spanking N when we was about 2 - 2 1/2 in certain circumstances. After his 3rd bday and leg break I was spanking more frequently and it never once worked well. He would stop the behavior just enough to not get in trouble and then act out in other ways. We switched to Love & Logic and a peaceful parenting philosophy and I can see the improvements. I love being a mommy again and I have many less stressful days. When we stopped spanking, he got better. M is 18 months and has never been spanked and I hope I have the resolution not to ever. I finally had to take it out of my mind that it was even an appropriate option. Just because it's the "norm" doesn't make it ok or even effective. After thinking these things last night I saw this post today on my personal page and knew I had to share my feelings.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Debate-on-Spanking-is-Dead&id=611411

Sadness over the loss of what never was

Except it's not. When I was pregnant with N I had lost a baby a few months before and thought for sure my boy had been what I lost and just knew the baby I was pregnant with was a girl. At that time I didn't want a girl. I had always wanted a boy first and was hoping he would be a boy. And he was! I was overjoyed! Fast forward a couple years to our 2nd loss. 9 months later I am pregnant again and really hope its a girl this time. One of each and we are done, also hoping that we hadn't lost our girl in the miscarriage. Ultrasound time comes around and the tech happily announces "It's a boy!" And I cry. Not because I don't love boys or even that I didn't love M, but simply that I lost out on the experience of a baby girl and we weren't 100% sure if we would try for another. We decide after hearing we only have 2 - 3 yr window to have children before facing having a hysterectomy due to pre cervical cancer concerns that we will try one last time for our baby girl. We get pregnant before we start to try and 2 weeks later we are sitting in the ER, not seeing a baby on the screen, bleeding, feeling that all too familiar sense of emptiness and loss. We try again 10 weeks later and success! This pregnancy was totally different than the boys, N swore he thought the baby was a girl, and knowing its for sure our last I held out hope. She asks "what are you hoping for?" I respond "A heartbeat :) A healthy baby. And if all of that is good then I'd like a girl" A minute or two goes by and she smiles and says "Well honey you're just destined to be a boy mommy, its another boy" I actually smiled and didn't cry just because he was healthy and active and beautiful. We picked a name, a theme, and I was honestly ok. Then the thoughts of the dresses, the spa days, dolls, etc started playing through my head and I knew I needed to mourn not only my 3 angels but what was never was and never will be, my baby girl. She will never be a reality for me and over the last few months I'm ok with it. God and the Universe knows what I need better than I do and I love love love being a boy mom. My sister in law even got me a shirt that says "BoyMom" and I teared up when I opened it. I know what I'm doing and I couldn't imagine being a mama to anything else but these rough and tumble, sweet, compassionate, empathetic, loving little men. But there is a sadness and guilt that comes with wanting one sex over another. People make you feel like you should just be grateful for a healthy baby, which I am, but honestly if I had 3 girls, I would be mourning the loss of never having the experience of a boy. I love being a mom and wanted the experience of both. Coupled with the 3 losses I sometimes wonder if one of those babies had been my girl. I will never know. All I can know now is things are exactly how they are meant to be and these feelings are bad, they are normal. I am 34 days from my due date and getting my nursery ready. I am so happy to have made it this far, for all of his kicks and punches and knowing he's healthy. I sit and wonder will he be like N or M or both with some of his own mixed in? Will he have blue eyes like the boys or green eyes like his mommy? What will he look like? Act like? I can't wait.

Boys, Gak, and Fart-y Noises

I have always loved science and science experiments and I love that N has inherited that trait. For weeks now he has been begging to make Gak but then we all came down with an awful flu and for 3+ weeks we were just too sick to do anything. THEN the weather was so nice we spent our free play time outside. Today is day 4 of straight rain and cooler temps so I decided it was a perfect Gak day. For the price of a cheap off brand bottle of school glue, food coloring, Borax (that I already had) and water my son is now super entertained by the squishiness and "fart-y" noises the Gak is making. With every fart as if its ingrained in his boyish DNA he is giggling. Well worth the 30-ish mins of making time. So if you have a few extra mins and a few bucks for the materials its super fun. I felt so excited when we added the borax solution to the glue mixture and instantly the molecules changed and the gak started to form. N was sitting next to me with his voice almost shrill with excitement as well. It was so fun!
Here's the recipe:

Materials

• Elmer’s Glue® (4 oz bottle of Elmer’s Glue-All for 2 small batches, I would suggest 8 oz for 4 small batches of different colors)
• Borax (a powdered soap found in the grocery store)
• Large mixing bowl
• Plastic cup (8 oz size works well)
• Spoon
• Measuring cup
• Food coloring (the spice of life)
• Water
• Paper towel (hey, you’ve got to clean up!)
• Zipper-lock bag (don’t you want to keep it when you’re done?)
• Water

1. This recipe is based on using a brand new 4 oz bottle of Elmer’s Glue. Empty the entire bottle of glue into a mixing bowl. Add 1/2 cup warm water to the empty bottle and shake (okay, put the lid on first and then shake). Pour the glue-water mixture into the mixing bowl and use the spoon to mix well.

2. Go ahead… add a drop or two of food coloring.

3. Measure 1/2 cup of warm water into the plastic cup and add a teaspoon of Borax powder to the water. Stir the solution – don’t worry if all of the powder dissolves. This Borax solution is the secret linking agent that causes the Elmer’s Glue molecules to turn into slime.

4. While stirring the glue in the mixing bowl, slowly add a little of the Borax solution. Immediately you’ll feel the long strands of molecules starting to connect. It’s time to abandon the spoon and use your hands to do the serious mixing. Keep adding the Borax solution to the glue mixture (don’t stop mixing) until you get a perfect batch of Elmer’s slime. You might like your slime more stringy while others like firm slime. Hey, you’re the head slime mixologist – do it your way!

5.When you’re finished playing with your Elmer’s slime, seal it up in a zipper-lock bag for safe keeping.

Enjoy!


Here is the link to the site I used for the recipe: http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/experiment/glue-borax-gak

My Miracle

You would think I was talking about one of my boys or even this pregnancy that I wasn't sure would make it past 6 weeks and I'm now half way through my 31st week with a very active little boy, but I'm not. We had an awful scare Thursday night, J called me with a terrible headache, tunnel vision, numbness, dizziness etc. I had to drop the boys off and head to Urgent Care while talking to our doctor on the phone. She reassured me it was probably just a massive far gone migraine and to take him in for a shot and a neurological work up. UC checks him in and transfers him to the ER for a CT Scan. Then the doctor comes in and says we also need a spinal tap done. Um excuse me? You want to take fluid from where?? But we agree. CT Scan comes back clear, no clots, tumors, stroke etc. *Whew* Its now 10:30pm and we have been there since 6:15pm. All that is left is the tap. 11pm rolls around and they do the tap. I can feel the pain and discomfort coming from J and I'm trying not to cry or throw up and to overall be strong for him. The doctor reassures us the tap looks good, no blood or signs of infection. 2nd relief. We should have official results in an hour and a half and released shorty after. I start thinking about food because I haven't eaten since 2pm and my stomach is finally relaxing a little. Midnight comes and goes, 1am...1:30am..What the hell? Where's there results? Now I worry again. This is taking too long, somethings wrong. A little after 2 am the doctor comes back and sits down. "The tap was clear and clean.. I was so excited because that's what you want to see, but then the results come back and.. you have meningitis." I burst into tears. He says he had bacterial spinal meningitis and immediately they escort me from the room and quarantine him. I'm standing, exhausted in the ER crying hysterically while they take blood and urine samples from him but all the nurses are in masks and covers. The doctor wont tell me much else except he's concerned for me and the baby and my boys. The nurse comes out and I ask her what I'm dealing with, she removes her mask and says "I don't want to scare you but its bad and its serious. I'm concerned for you and your baby." "What about my husband?" "Well we caught it really early so his chances are better than most but I don't want to give you false hope." She tells me he has to be hospitalized for a week and they are starting antibiotics ASAP. A week? The boys will go nuts without seeing him for that long.. The alternative is worse, a week or forever. I'll take a week. Then they tell me I can't go back in. I can stand briefly at the door with a mask and say bye to him before going home to grab a few things in case the main hospital nurse lets me sit in his room. A friend comes and takes me home while so many thoughts run through my head. What will happen? Will he be ok? Will he make it? Will he be paralyzed or even survive? What will I tell my kids? A hundred scenarios run through my head. None of which are good. I get home and look up what he has trying to give myself a less scary thought. Nope. It doesn't help. 25% of cases, even in early treatment, end in death, not including the ones that cause memory loss, seizures, coma or paralysis. I can't breathe. I cannot loose him! I've been worried about him through other health issues but I have never really faced a thought I might loose him. Prayers go out on Facebook like crazy. At least a hundred people from the Christian, Wiccan, Neo-Pagan, Jewish, and Buddhist communities are all lighting candles, praying, chanting, sending Reiki and energy to him. Then I get a call that at 3:30am I need to wake my children and bring them into the ER to be given preventative high dose antibiotic shots to make sure we don't get it. The same ER doctor shoots me straight and says "His case is mild and I'm probably over attacking it but I would rather put you through a night of hell than a funeral for your husband" I ask him if he thinks he will make it and he says "Probably because we caught it so early. But this is a nasty disease... you never can tell" Awesome. I do feel better but not great. Then he leaves for the shots to be administered. Don't know if you have ever gotten one of these shots but they suck! They burn 3x more that a tetanus/pertussis shot. Worse was trying to give it to our already scared for his daddy 4 year old. They had to hold him down (2 full grown men) and I am trying not to cry at his screams, comfort him and watch the obviously shaken nurse who was physically shaking, stick my baby with this stuff. After we calmed him we trekked up to the 3rd floor where its now 5am and N gets to wear a mask and see daddy is ok. The bad thing about being N's mommy is that he's so intuitive and he kept asking me "Mommy, my daddy is going to be ok, right?" "Yes baby" But he can feel I'm 100% sure when I say that. N leaves J's room and I stand there and just cry some more. He tells me he's fine and to go home and sleep. I still haven't eaten and I've been awake for 22 hours at this point. I reluctantly leave with my kids thinking to myself I will never forgive myself if I take a nap and wake up to find him in a coma or having a seizure and I wasn't there for him. But I have baby J to think of too. So I leave, grab breakfast then finally crawl in bed at 7am. I've been up for 24 hours. I sob for 10 mins feeling the empty spot in the bed. I pray and beg that he's ok. That he makes it. And I fall asleep. I wake up to my phone buzzing and it's J calling. It's 10am. "Hello? Are you ok?" "Yeah, the morning doc came in, we talked and she's actually not sure I even have meningitis." "What??" "Yeah get dressed and come on back up here, I think they're letting me go." WHAT? I hang up and try to unfog my head then he calls back about 15 mins later "Yeah come get me I should be out by noon. They reviewed my tests since my headache is almost gone and I'm not showing anymore symptoms. They took another look at my spinal results and fount the bacteria was a single strand of staph and it turned out to not be from my fluid and it was a lab mistake! I just had a sudden onset of a horrible migraine and need to look out for them coming again in the future. I'm coming home." Besides the sound of your baby's first cry those are the best things I have ever heard in my life. He's ok and he's coming home. I rush around and go pick him up. They apologize for the mistake and I don't even care at this point. I'm glad they over attacked. I would also rather a stressful night vs a funeral and a lifetime without my soul mate. People can say he was never really sick and maybe even be upset at the microbiologist for messing up the results. I look at it as answered prayers. He's my miracle. I have spent the last 24 hours staring at my husband and feeling even more love than I did before. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Not for what he does but just him just being here, the strength he gives me. He is most definitely my other half. I don't know how many other times I've been this grateful in my life. Today I am still tired from the long night, J went back to work and I have been doing my normal daily things. Normal life. But it seems better now.

Natural Cold/Flu Remedy

    Every time I feel a cold coming on, usually signaled by the extra stuffy nose and sore throat with me, I make this tea for myself. It works like a charm! I hoping with the added eucalyptus oil on my feet, a humidifier, alkaline water, and extra probiotics I will kick this especially nasty cold within a day or 2 vs 3-4 days. I also made a brew for my 17 month old who is currently fighting an earache, fever, and the tail end of a croup cough.
Cold Tea Recipe:
2-3 slices of lemon
3-4 cloves of fresh garlic
Honey to taste or at least 1 tbs ( Please do not give honey to infants under 12 months)
4 slices of fresh ginger root

Boil a cup of water

Add the ingredients

Let steep for 5 mins and Enjoy!

Garlic is best known for it antibiotic properties and fending off respiratory infections/viruses
Lemon is high in  vitamin C, B, B2, calcium and iron and protects your body against illness
Honey also has antibiotic and antiseptic properties, soothes sore throats and calms coughing
Ginger is an anti-inflammatory and can kill viruses

I know most people probably won't love the taste but I don't mind it. I find it a bit soothing and better than Thera-Flu (yuck)
Sit back, enjoy it and feel yourself getting better.

Babies Don't Keep

Song for a Fifth Child.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Poem Song for a Fifth Child by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton, written in 1958 and first published in the Ladies Home Journal.

I read and re-read this poem. I have an obsession with wanting to be the perfect wife and mother with an amazingly clean home, dinner perfectly cooked, but also having time and energy to do all of the little things with my boys. I'm a fan of kids learning to self soothe to sleep but before naps M and I have this recent routine where I rock him for just a few mins, sing a song and talk, then I lay him in his bed where he promptly gets up and plays quietly until he's ready to sleep. (He likes his own playtime before naps) Sometimes when I'm sitting there starting into his gorgeous blue eyes and my mind wanders to the housework needing to be done I say to myself "I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep" N likes his one on one cuddle time with me too but it's not the same as when they're babies/toddlers. N is a big boy and rocking with mommy isn't quite as fun and cuddling on the couch watching a movie or playing together, although the message is the same. I'm coloring with my baby and babies don't keep. I love that I found this. I want my boys to look back and say "My mom payed with me, sang silly songs with me, painted the sidewalk blue because it was my favorite color, and made me my favorite food just to see me smile" not how clean our house was or how perfect our crafts came out. This reminds me to let them be them and enjoy them at each stage because I can always go back to the To Do list but I can never get back small moments.

Natural carpet refresher sprinkle

I went into my youngest sons current room (which in a couple of months will be the nursery) and it didn't smell awful per say but it didn't smell great. So I picked up a few clothes from the night before off the floor and emptied the diaper pail but it still smelled a little musty. Really quick I put together a carpet sprinkle that normally calls for aprox 1/2 cup - 1 cup of baking soda and 5-10 drops of essential oil. However I am running low on baking soda from sheer over use so I replaced the baking soda with borax powder and voila! Worked amazing!

Recipe:
1 cup (More depending on the size of the room or rooms you're deodorizing) of baking soda OR Borax powder

5 drops each of essential oil.

For my 1st batch I used lemon but for the living room I made a citrus blend of lemon and orange.

Lemon oil is an antiseptic as well as having an aroma that is refreshing and rejuvenating; it inspires and clears the mind while bringing a fresh energy into the environment .
Lemon Oil is very uplifting, yet relaxing.

Orange oil is also an antiseptic and creates and inner and outer atmosphere of cheer
Citrus oils generally help to eliminate emotional confusion and increase ones sense of humor and well-being.

The house smells very light and clean with just a quick vaccum. Also much cheaper and eco friendly than tradtional carpet refreshing sprinkles.