My journey here..

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lost sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow on the way.”

     Up to this point I haven't really blogged very much and when I do it's more a rant on my mind. I decided to change that and start "mommy blogging" and add in things about my spirituality, beliefs, life, family etc.. Why the change? Well that's what this blog is about. My journey and path that has brought me to this point in my life. Let's go back a bit.
   My whole life I always felt like there was a box or type I needed to fit into. When I got into any relationship I transformed myself to fit the perfect image of what I thought the person wanted, always loosing any remnants of myself. When I met my husband J he was the only person that didn't want me to be anything but myself. After 3 years and an engagement we decided to have our first baby. We got married on Earth Day 2007 while I was 5 months pregnant with our son. Our baby bear was born Aug of the same year. I was whirled into again trying to fit into the box of being a mom, but wait, I am also trying to be a wife and still keep an identity of my own. Postpartum depression hit and I had to go back to work when he turned 12 weeks. For the next 2 years I worked full time or more and missed all his firsts. J and I hit hard times and separated for almost a year. I felt completely disconnected from any idea of a family that I had originally wanted. I searched for happiness, attention, and love. I never found it. I experimented with different religions and spirituality to answer long time questions I had and still nothing. I finally found The Secret, What The Bleep do we Know, Louise Hay, Dr Wayne Dyer Etc and started to change my thinking and then the "shift" happened. My life fell apart. J and I got back together, hit more problems, we lost a baby, J lost his job, I was out from my job for a month because of the baby loss and bills piled up, then rent, then eviction. In 24 hours we packed up everything, threw out a bunch of stuff and moved our 3 br apt into 2 rooms at a friends house. Then I got worse. This particular house has alot of negative energy that got to me. Loosing the baby got to me. J and I's problems got to me and I got even more depressed. Insomnia kicked in so I'd stay up till 7:30 in the morning but then stay in bed staring at nothing till 3pm. I was a terrible mommy. I would never hit or abuse my kids ever. I don't even spank, but I was so absent and self absorbed, it was sad. Jan 2010 we moved back into our own place where we've been for over a year now. We got pregnant with another boy (Born Nov 2010) and I stay home now. I started digging into my spirituality, I started tackling the issues of my past, J and I are in counseling and we started taking Love & Logic parenting classes. BabyBear has become a completely different kid and I am seeing all the things with Sweet Potato that I missed the first time. I'm plugged in. My son misses me when I'm gone and loves to be around me again. I'm finally the mommy I have always wanted to be. I'm finally the wife I want to be and I'm starting to become the person I want to be. And that brings me here. Now you know a little more about this Meditating Mama I can start blogging about my silly crazy loud fun random life. I hardly ever wear shoes, when I do they're usually flip flops, I typically stay in my jammies all day unless I have to go somewhere. I'm potty training my 3 year old and cloth diapering my 4 month old (both foreign things to me) I'm in the middle of spring cleaning my house and I get to share all my random crazy thoughts with the world.