Im a sensitive Love & Logic mommy & wife that randomly dances & crazy shakes throughout my day. I talk to my kids like they're grown up bc I dont think they're idiots just bc they're small. My hair never stays perfect. I am clumsy. I cloth diaper,wear my kids,believe in vaccines & bottle feeding. I talk to myself. I created my own version of spiritual beliefs by taking a page from everyone. I sing whenever I can. This is me. Im learning to love who that is.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
You would think I was talking about one of my boys or even this pregnancy that I wasn't sure would make it past 6 weeks and I'm now half way through my 31st week with a very active little boy, but I'm not. We had an awful scare Thursday night, J called me with a terrible headache, tunnel vision, numbness, dizziness etc. I had to drop the boys off and head to Urgent Care while talking to our doctor on the phone. She reassured me it was probably just a massive far gone migraine and to take him in for a shot and a neurological work up. UC checks him in and transfers him to the ER for a CT Scan. Then the doctor comes in and says we also need a spinal tap done. Um excuse me? You want to take fluid from where?? But we agree. CT Scan comes back clear, no clots, tumors, stroke etc. *Whew* Its now 10:30pm and we have been there since 6:15pm. All that is left is the tap. 11pm rolls around and they do the tap. I can feel the pain and discomfort coming from J and I'm trying not to cry or throw up and to overall be strong for him. The doctor reassures us the tap looks good, no blood or signs of infection. 2nd relief. We should have official results in an hour and a half and released shorty after. I start thinking about food because I haven't eaten since 2pm and my stomach is finally relaxing a little. Midnight comes and goes, 1am...1:30am..What the hell? Where's there results? Now I worry again. This is taking too long, somethings wrong. A little after 2 am the doctor comes back and sits down. "The tap was clear and clean.. I was so excited because that's what you want to see, but then the results come back and.. you have meningitis." I burst into tears. He says he had bacterial spinal meningitis and immediately they escort me from the room and quarantine him. I'm standing, exhausted in the ER crying hysterically while they take blood and urine samples from him but all the nurses are in masks and covers. The doctor wont tell me much else except he's concerned for me and the baby and my boys. The nurse comes out and I ask her what I'm dealing with, she removes her mask and says "I don't want to scare you but its bad and its serious. I'm concerned for you and your baby." "What about my husband?" "Well we caught it really early so his chances are better than most but I don't want to give you false hope." She tells me he has to be hospitalized for a week and they are starting antibiotics ASAP. A week? The boys will go nuts without seeing him for that long.. The alternative is worse, a week or forever. I'll take a week. Then they tell me I can't go back in. I can stand briefly at the door with a mask and say bye to him before going home to grab a few things in case the main hospital nurse lets me sit in his room. A friend comes and takes me home while so many thoughts run through my head. What will happen? Will he be ok? Will he make it? Will he be paralyzed or even survive? What will I tell my kids? A hundred scenarios run through my head. None of which are good. I get home and look up what he has trying to give myself a less scary thought. Nope. It doesn't help. 25% of cases, even in early treatment, end in death, not including the ones that cause memory loss, seizures, coma or paralysis. I can't breathe. I cannot loose him! I've been worried about him through other health issues but I have never really faced a thought I might loose him. Prayers go out on Facebook like crazy. At least a hundred people from the Christian, Wiccan, Neo-Pagan, Jewish, and Buddhist communities are all lighting candles, praying, chanting, sending Reiki and energy to him. Then I get a call that at 3:30am I need to wake my children and bring them into the ER to be given preventative high dose antibiotic shots to make sure we don't get it. The same ER doctor shoots me straight and says "His case is mild and I'm probably over attacking it but I would rather put you through a night of hell than a funeral for your husband" I ask him if he thinks he will make it and he says "Probably because we caught it so early. But this is a nasty disease... you never can tell" Awesome. I do feel better but not great. Then he leaves for the shots to be administered. Don't know if you have ever gotten one of these shots but they suck! They burn 3x more that a tetanus/pertussis shot. Worse was trying to give it to our already scared for his daddy 4 year old. They had to hold him down (2 full grown men) and I am trying not to cry at his screams, comfort him and watch the obviously shaken nurse who was physically shaking, stick my baby with this stuff. After we calmed him we trekked up to the 3rd floor where its now 5am and N gets to wear a mask and see daddy is ok. The bad thing about being N's mommy is that he's so intuitive and he kept asking me "Mommy, my daddy is going to be ok, right?" "Yes baby" But he can feel I'm 100% sure when I say that. N leaves J's room and I stand there and just cry some more. He tells me he's fine and to go home and sleep. I still haven't eaten and I've been awake for 22 hours at this point. I reluctantly leave with my kids thinking to myself I will never forgive myself if I take a nap and wake up to find him in a coma or having a seizure and I wasn't there for him. But I have baby J to think of too. So I leave, grab breakfast then finally crawl in bed at 7am. I've been up for 24 hours. I sob for 10 mins feeling the empty spot in the bed. I pray and beg that he's ok. That he makes it. And I fall asleep. I wake up to my phone buzzing and it's J calling. It's 10am. "Hello? Are you ok?" "Yeah, the morning doc came in, we talked and she's actually not sure I even have meningitis." "What??" "Yeah get dressed and come on back up here, I think they're letting me go." WHAT? I hang up and try to unfog my head then he calls back about 15 mins later "Yeah come get me I should be out by noon. They reviewed my tests since my headache is almost gone and I'm not showing anymore symptoms. They took another look at my spinal results and fount the bacteria was a single strand of staph and it turned out to not be from my fluid and it was a lab mistake! I just had a sudden onset of a horrible migraine and need to look out for them coming again in the future. I'm coming home." Besides the sound of your baby's first cry those are the best things I have ever heard in my life. He's ok and he's coming home. I rush around and go pick him up. They apologize for the mistake and I don't even care at this point. I'm glad they over attacked. I would also rather a stressful night vs a funeral and a lifetime without my soul mate. People can say he was never really sick and maybe even be upset at the microbiologist for messing up the results. I look at it as answered prayers. He's my miracle. I have spent the last 24 hours staring at my husband and feeling even more love than I did before. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Not for what he does but just him just being here, the strength he gives me. He is most definitely my other half. I don't know how many other times I've been this grateful in my life. Today I am still tired from the long night, J went back to work and I have been doing my normal daily things. Normal life. But it seems better now.