Monday, June 13, 2011
A letter of apology to my son...
I have some major mommy guilt for some of my not so shining moments as a mom with my oldest son. This is a letter of apology to him, he's too young to know or understand now, but hopefully this will help me to let go of my feelings and its something he can read later.
To my dear Baby Bear,
Sometimes in life we have the best intentions and ideas of how things should be, then in the grand scheme of becoming a stronger person and learning lessons, God and the Universe send you these life lessons and while you're in the middle of them they make no sense whatsoever. Depending on the lesson or how well you're learning it, the process could take weeks, months, or years.
When your daddy and I decided we wanted to have a baby I had dreamed of you for so long and didn't think I would ever meet you. When I saw you were a boy and I was getting a son I cried so much because I was so happy. The first time I held you I loved you and I knew you loved me. In those moments I never imagined our lives would change so drastically over the next 2 1/2 years.
Being a 1st time mommy was not as easy as I thought it would be. I failed at things I thought should have been easy. Then I had to return to work 12 weeks later and hand my beautiful baby boy over to someone else to watch 10 hrs a day 4 -5 times a week. The first year is such a tender fragile time for bonding in my opinion and instead of me being there for all your firsts someone else was. I couldn't help that, not working wasn't an option at that time. Then life got more hectic, we moved, daddy and I started to feel the pressure of a new marriage with a new baby and more than normal life stress, we were not equipped to handle it and we broke. Finances hit rock bottom as the electricity got too high to pay and was shut off. I couldn't let you stay with us during that time with no hot water or way to heat your food, I sent you to stay with Granny and Papaw as much as I could. I didn't know what else to do. We moved again, trying to start over again, trying to figure out how to fix us without you knowing how broken we were. The next 8 months was me working 50+ hours a week, barely seeing you, missing even more of your 1st moments. Then it all went to hell. We lost everything, we lost the car, the house, daddy's job, a new baby. Mommy made so many mistakes in such a short time. We moved into a place that was too small for us all but were so lucky to have a friend let us in. I got so sad, I was sad about everything, I couldn't figure out how I had planned for the happily ever after and it wasn't here. I just couldn't be strong anymore and just when I thought I couldn't break anymore, I did.
I'm telling you all these things so you understand the apology I'm about to make.
I am so sorry baby bear. I'm so sorry I wasn't a good mommy for the first couple years. I'm sorry I didn't know how to balance everything in my life and make sure you still left loved. I'm so sorry that I let the pain and hurt overwhelm me and not put you first. I'm so sorry I missed all of those great first moments. Every time your brother does something for the first time and I'm so happy to be there a lot of that comes from how much it hurts I couldn't be there for you.
I love you so very much. You are now and will always be one of the answers to my prayers. I thank God everyday you chose me to be your mommy. I hope one day you will understand that I am constantly trying to be the best mom I can be. I hope you never have to understand first hand the things your daddy and I have been through. My wish for this letter is to help me forgive myself and understand I did the best I could with what I had and if you ever look back on those first couple years of your life and wonder why things were the way they were this will explain it.
Thank you for your love and Thank you for letting me be your mommy. I love you.