Thursday, March 31, 2011

Watching myself die

Its a funny and odd thing, watching yourself die. I feel like I'm watching the last 10 years of my life from someone elses eyes.. I'm watching this person that people think I am, that Ive been pretending to be and then lying to myself to say that I'm rebelling and pretending to someone else when I actually act like 'me'. The last couple months have had so many amazing changes for the better. I'm saying goodbye to the people of my past that have dropped out of my life whether accidently or on purpose, Thank you for being a teacher of the moment and leading me to the next step. Looking behind you longingly makes you bitter and wistful. I'm letting that go. I can only be grateful for my choices and mistakes because they have made the life I have now and I can only say "I did the best with what I had at the time" and learn from it. I am finally getting to the point in my life where I can be myself, I can be me because I am finally finding out who that is. I'm watching the shell of who I thought I was who people think I am die and out of her ashes is me, really me. I'm the weird spiritual one, they borderline hippie, the girl with her roots planted firmly in mother earth but her head in the clouds. I'm going to be the old lady with a messy herb garden and a room designated for painting. I'm the crystal wearing, positive thinking, overly sensitive, trusting, loving, hopeful woman that will always be there for the people I care about. I care too much, I think too much and don't laugh enough. I'm imperfect and learning that perfection and normality is boring. I'm excited to turn 30 because I think it ll be empowering. I love watching this self die, I love feeling this way. Its confusing but exciting. I know that I will learn through every mistake, every experience and every day. I will die and be reborn over and over and continue to get to know myself and the people around me and hopefully embrace the changes that make me the woman I am and only become stronger, happier, wiser, more intuitive and spiritually beautiful every day until it radiates out of me like light shining through the clouds.

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