Sunday, April 22, 2012

Giving birth

   Leading up to giving birth is such an anxious time. You scared, nervous, unsure, and impatient. There is a sense of fear but also anticipation. Giving birth as a metaphor can be used in so many areas of life. The nervous anxiousness before starting something, anything, new.
   I feel double the anxiousness recently and I just hit me why. Baby J is our last baby, so in the midst of being anxious and wondering when he will be here, what he will looks like, how he will fit into our family, will M try to hit him with something (probably..), how will I be not only to a mother of 3 now but 3 boys etc. I am realizing I am about to give birth to a new version of me. No more pregnant K ever. I'm leaving my 20's behind also. Ive noticed my tolerance for some of the actions of my friends recently getting lower and I'm increasingly getting less tolerant of people's bullshit. I feel myself standing on the edge of a cliff looking down and across wondering what "me" is waiting on the other side of having this baby. Will I lose more friends? Will I find a voice? Will I stand up for myself more? Hopefully. So in being curious as to what my new son will be like I'm also curious as to what the new me will be like as well. I'm excited but scared for both.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Why I do what I do

Our job as parents to prepare our kids for adult hood in every way possible. For them to step out as an adult and say "I recognize this world and I'm prepared for it." I wondered to myself last night if I thought it was acceptable for an adult to ask another adult to do something and if it wasn't done, done correctly, or done with a good attitude if they could then hit the other adult. That wouldn't be ok but we prepare our kids for their life by saying "Do what I say or I will hit you." Then we wonder why so many of our children are teens and adults that stay in an abusive relationship. This goes for yelling and screaming too. If J asked me to make dinner or pick up and I didn't do it right that second and he hot me or yelled at me I would walk out. But we teach our children its not only acceptable, it's normal. I never wanted to spank or yell but especially spank. Our of frustration and a lack of parenting tools I started spanking N when we was about 2 - 2 1/2 in certain circumstances. After his 3rd bday and leg break I was spanking more frequently and it never once worked well. He would stop the behavior just enough to not get in trouble and then act out in other ways. We switched to Love & Logic and a peaceful parenting philosophy and I can see the improvements. I love being a mommy again and I have many less stressful days. When we stopped spanking, he got better. M is 18 months and has never been spanked and I hope I have the resolution not to ever. I finally had to take it out of my mind that it was even an appropriate option. Just because it's the "norm" doesn't make it ok or even effective. After thinking these things last night I saw this post today on my personal page and knew I had to share my feelings.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Sadness over the loss of what never was

Except it's not. When I was pregnant with N I had lost a baby a few months before and thought for sure my boy had been what I lost and just knew the baby I was pregnant with was a girl. At that time I didn't want a girl. I had always wanted a boy first and was hoping he would be a boy. And he was! I was overjoyed! Fast forward a couple years to our 2nd loss. 9 months later I am pregnant again and really hope its a girl this time. One of each and we are done, also hoping that we hadn't lost our girl in the miscarriage. Ultrasound time comes around and the tech happily announces "It's a boy!" And I cry. Not because I don't love boys or even that I didn't love M, but simply that I lost out on the experience of a baby girl and we weren't 100% sure if we would try for another. We decide after hearing we only have 2 - 3 yr window to have children before facing having a hysterectomy due to pre cervical cancer concerns that we will try one last time for our baby girl. We get pregnant before we start to try and 2 weeks later we are sitting in the ER, not seeing a baby on the screen, bleeding, feeling that all too familiar sense of emptiness and loss. We try again 10 weeks later and success! This pregnancy was totally different than the boys, N swore he thought the baby was a girl, and knowing its for sure our last I held out hope. She asks "what are you hoping for?" I respond "A heartbeat :) A healthy baby. And if all of that is good then I'd like a girl" A minute or two goes by and she smiles and says "Well honey you're just destined to be a boy mommy, its another boy" I actually smiled and didn't cry just because he was healthy and active and beautiful. We picked a name, a theme, and I was honestly ok. Then the thoughts of the dresses, the spa days, dolls, etc started playing through my head and I knew I needed to mourn not only my 3 angels but what was never was and never will be, my baby girl. She will never be a reality for me and over the last few months I'm ok with it. God and the Universe knows what I need better than I do and I love love love being a boy mom. My sister in law even got me a shirt that says "BoyMom" and I teared up when I opened it. I know what I'm doing and I couldn't imagine being a mama to anything else but these rough and tumble, sweet, compassionate, empathetic, loving little men. But there is a sadness and guilt that comes with wanting one sex over another. People make you feel like you should just be grateful for a healthy baby, which I am, but honestly if I had 3 girls, I would be mourning the loss of never having the experience of a boy. I love being a mom and wanted the experience of both. Coupled with the 3 losses I sometimes wonder if one of those babies had been my girl. I will never know. All I can know now is things are exactly how they are meant to be and these feelings are bad, they are normal. I am 34 days from my due date and getting my nursery ready. I am so happy to have made it this far, for all of his kicks and punches and knowing he's healthy. I sit and wonder will he be like N or M or both with some of his own mixed in? Will he have blue eyes like the boys or green eyes like his mommy? What will he look like? Act like? I can't wait.