Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sadness over the loss of what never was
Except it's not. When I was pregnant with N I had lost a baby a few months before and thought for sure my boy had been what I lost and just knew the baby I was pregnant with was a girl. At that time I didn't want a girl. I had always wanted a boy first and was hoping he would be a boy. And he was! I was overjoyed! Fast forward a couple years to our 2nd loss. 9 months later I am pregnant again and really hope its a girl this time. One of each and we are done, also hoping that we hadn't lost our girl in the miscarriage. Ultrasound time comes around and the tech happily announces "It's a boy!" And I cry. Not because I don't love boys or even that I didn't love M, but simply that I lost out on the experience of a baby girl and we weren't 100% sure if we would try for another. We decide after hearing we only have 2 - 3 yr window to have children before facing having a hysterectomy due to pre cervical cancer concerns that we will try one last time for our baby girl. We get pregnant before we start to try and 2 weeks later we are sitting in the ER, not seeing a baby on the screen, bleeding, feeling that all too familiar sense of emptiness and loss. We try again 10 weeks later and success! This pregnancy was totally different than the boys, N swore he thought the baby was a girl, and knowing its for sure our last I held out hope. She asks "what are you hoping for?" I respond "A heartbeat :) A healthy baby. And if all of that is good then I'd like a girl" A minute or two goes by and she smiles and says "Well honey you're just destined to be a boy mommy, its another boy" I actually smiled and didn't cry just because he was healthy and active and beautiful. We picked a name, a theme, and I was honestly ok. Then the thoughts of the dresses, the spa days, dolls, etc started playing through my head and I knew I needed to mourn not only my 3 angels but what was never was and never will be, my baby girl. She will never be a reality for me and over the last few months I'm ok with it. God and the Universe knows what I need better than I do and I love love love being a boy mom. My sister in law even got me a shirt that says "BoyMom" and I teared up when I opened it. I know what I'm doing and I couldn't imagine being a mama to anything else but these rough and tumble, sweet, compassionate, empathetic, loving little men. But there is a sadness and guilt that comes with wanting one sex over another. People make you feel like you should just be grateful for a healthy baby, which I am, but honestly if I had 3 girls, I would be mourning the loss of never having the experience of a boy. I love being a mom and wanted the experience of both. Coupled with the 3 losses I sometimes wonder if one of those babies had been my girl. I will never know. All I can know now is things are exactly how they are meant to be and these feelings are bad, they are normal. I am 34 days from my due date and getting my nursery ready. I am so happy to have made it this far, for all of his kicks and punches and knowing he's healthy. I sit and wonder will he be like N or M or both with some of his own mixed in? Will he have blue eyes like the boys or green eyes like his mommy? What will he look like? Act like? I can't wait.