Small changes for the better

Maybe it's the mostly vegetarian diet I'm on as apart of my clean eating, maybe it's the daily workouts or the twice a day showers because Im weird and have to shower before bed no matter when I took a shower last.. Anyway I have noticed some differences in the last 4 days.

I'm being more patient in general but especially with my parenting. I always thought when people said you had to have "you" time or take care of yourself first to be able to take care of your kids they meant time away from my kids, more than I was willing to do. But I understand now that it doesn't have to mean that. I am still in the dreading the workout phase a little but throughout my day I notice I'm able to implment the Love and Logic practices so much easier, AND I haven't yelled in a week. I'm really proud of myself in that area since I have a tendency to be a "yeller"

I have a much higher sex drive. I think mostly because I have more energy and confidence just knowing that I may not look any different yet but that I'm committing to being different.

See above. I have more confidence Haha. I'm also being more outgoing. I feel a bit f my old self but better returning.

I'm sleeping better, when I can sleep. Baby J is still waking up at least once a night for about 2 hours.

We had to skip this morning so we are about to do our workout tonight instead. If there's time for Facebook or Blogging there's time for Insanity. 

Doing it for myself

This is me. 29 years old, after 3 kids, 2 of them in less than 2 years and a miscarriage in between the 2. This is my "Before" picture. 172 lbs and 5'8" This is what I wont be again.

Im on day 3 of Insanity and everyday while Im pushing through the pain, sweat, inability to breathe, I think of my reasons Im doing this and I repeat them over and over to myself.
Im doing this:
So I dont have to wear 2 shirts or any shirt that could double as a flow-y maternity shirt to hide my stomach.
For the gap between my thighs and the V on my hips
For no muffin top
Because I will not have the excuse "Well I have had babies" I'm doing it BECAUSE I have babies and they deserve a mommy that plays with them, not watches from a chair.
For the Haters. For those people that think I can't or won't or that I will give up. The ones that think I'm not strong enough or dedicated enough.
Because I refuse to quit and give up on myself
Because everyday I have the eyes of a 4 year watching me stop, take a breath and make a choice to keep going when I think I can't go anymore. Parenting is mostly by example, I wont set the example that giving up when it hard is okay.
I feel amazing after I am dripping with sweat, barely breathing, red-faced, showering and lathering up my girly smelling soap. It reminds me I can kick ass and be feminine in the moment
So I dont have to wear a tankini and I can wear a bikini ;)
To make his jaw drop, so he whispers "wow" when he sees me, so we can live life together and not just talk about it from the couch.
Because today after only 3 days of pushing myself I achieved 2 goals and it proved to me it's worth it, and I CAN DO it.
 

Identity

I've been struggling a lot lately. You spend 9-10 months watching your body slowly grow and change from a woman into a mother the within hours its back to being woman not womb but not the woman that you were before.. A stretched, bloated warped version of what it was before and people expect you should just bounce right back within 6 weeks. That you should be back to being YOU again after that. That's where I'm struggling... Ive been pregnant through 2 successful pregnancies and a miscarriage for almost 2 years now. And within 5 hours I'm not a blossoming pregnant woman, a birthing Goddess.. I'm a stretched warped version of me. I love being a mom and I'm struggling with never being able to be pregnant again, leaving my 20s and my childbearing years and embarking on a new phase of my life. I'm struggling with not knowing who I am for sure right now or if I need to fit into a box of one type of person. Can most days I be the hippie Karen I love so much and the some days wear lipstick and heels? Can I be super fit and strong and feminine and fun? Do I have to choose just one? Where do I find the balance of "me" time and meeting new friends and being mommy to my boys? In the course of a birth so much seems to change and there are so many expectations I put on myself for perfection. I know this is a phoenix phase, if I wasn't sure the heat waves Ive been having give it away.. I'm about to burn and new me will emerge I just hate the transition time right before where nothing makes sense and I don't feel like I have an identity