Watching myself die

Its a funny and odd thing, watching yourself die. I feel like I'm watching the last 10 years of my life from someone elses eyes.. I'm watching this person that people think I am, that Ive been pretending to be and then lying to myself to say that I'm rebelling and pretending to someone else when I actually act like 'me'. The last couple months have had so many amazing changes for the better. I'm saying goodbye to the people of my past that have dropped out of my life whether accidently or on purpose, Thank you for being a teacher of the moment and leading me to the next step. Looking behind you longingly makes you bitter and wistful. I'm letting that go. I can only be grateful for my choices and mistakes because they have made the life I have now and I can only say "I did the best with what I had at the time" and learn from it. I am finally getting to the point in my life where I can be myself, I can be me because I am finally finding out who that is. I'm watching the shell of who I thought I was who people think I am die and out of her ashes is me, really me. I'm the weird spiritual one, they borderline hippie, the girl with her roots planted firmly in mother earth but her head in the clouds. I'm going to be the old lady with a messy herb garden and a room designated for painting. I'm the crystal wearing, positive thinking, overly sensitive, trusting, loving, hopeful woman that will always be there for the people I care about. I care too much, I think too much and don't laugh enough. I'm imperfect and learning that perfection and normality is boring. I'm excited to turn 30 because I think it ll be empowering. I love watching this self die, I love feeling this way. Its confusing but exciting. I know that I will learn through every mistake, every experience and every day. I will die and be reborn over and over and continue to get to know myself and the people around me and hopefully embrace the changes that make me the woman I am and only become stronger, happier, wiser, more intuitive and spiritually beautiful every day until it radiates out of me like light shining through the clouds.

My life as Laundry

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.  ~Phyllis Diller

Trying to spring clean with 2 kids and keep up on normal housework makes me wish I was a hindu goddess instead of a domestic one. I need 5 arms or maybe a clone. The last couple weeks I feel like Im in groundhog day constantly reliving the same situation.. Wake up, make bed, feed kids, potty train, change diaper, put baby M down for a nap and attempt to start spring cleaning, get interrupted by something or someone and then pick up the same things I picked up yesterday all in the midst of never ending laundry. All week its like Ive been fighting it, constantly grumpy. Then I realized Im doing the control freak martyr thing. Im trying to control every minute of how I do something and when it inevitably goes wrong I get frustrated then want to point out to myself how much I sacrifice. I stopped and thought about it last night and today.. Thats not what Im a SAHM for. I wanted this sacrifice. I wanted to repeatedly do laundry and dishes because the payment for that is seeing baby M's first smiles or teaching N how to read. I get to be here for all these wonderful learning experiences. I think if the chaos was just within my house it would be manageable but its everywhere right now it seems leaving me feeling unorganized and helpless. Can I have that super mom feeling back I had a few weeks ago?  Maybe once I get through spring cleaning and back to maintaining a clean house Ill feel better theres just a lot of changes recently. I just need to keep focus that the really important things in my life are not and have never been how clean or organized my house is. 

Must go now, more laundry is calling my name after baby M goes down for another nap and this Domestic Goddess has another redbull.

My journey here..

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lost sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow on the way.”

     Up to this point I haven't really blogged very much and when I do it's more a rant on my mind. I decided to change that and start "mommy blogging" and add in things about my spirituality, beliefs, life, family etc.. Why the change? Well that's what this blog is about. My journey and path that has brought me to this point in my life. Let's go back a bit.
   My whole life I always felt like there was a box or type I needed to fit into. When I got into any relationship I transformed myself to fit the perfect image of what I thought the person wanted, always loosing any remnants of myself. When I met my husband J he was the only person that didn't want me to be anything but myself. After 3 years and an engagement we decided to have our first baby. We got married on Earth Day 2007 while I was 5 months pregnant with our son. Our baby bear was born Aug of the same year. I was whirled into again trying to fit into the box of being a mom, but wait, I am also trying to be a wife and still keep an identity of my own. Postpartum depression hit and I had to go back to work when he turned 12 weeks. For the next 2 years I worked full time or more and missed all his firsts. J and I hit hard times and separated for almost a year. I felt completely disconnected from any idea of a family that I had originally wanted. I searched for happiness, attention, and love. I never found it. I experimented with different religions and spirituality to answer long time questions I had and still nothing. I finally found The Secret, What The Bleep do we Know, Louise Hay, Dr Wayne Dyer Etc and started to change my thinking and then the "shift" happened. My life fell apart. J and I got back together, hit more problems, we lost a baby, J lost his job, I was out from my job for a month because of the baby loss and bills piled up, then rent, then eviction. In 24 hours we packed up everything, threw out a bunch of stuff and moved our 3 br apt into 2 rooms at a friends house. Then I got worse. This particular house has alot of negative energy that got to me. Loosing the baby got to me. J and I's problems got to me and I got even more depressed. Insomnia kicked in so I'd stay up till 7:30 in the morning but then stay in bed staring at nothing till 3pm. I was a terrible mommy. I would never hit or abuse my kids ever. I don't even spank, but I was so absent and self absorbed, it was sad. Jan 2010 we moved back into our own place where we've been for over a year now. We got pregnant with another boy (Born Nov 2010) and I stay home now. I started digging into my spirituality, I started tackling the issues of my past, J and I are in counseling and we started taking Love & Logic parenting classes. BabyBear has become a completely different kid and I am seeing all the things with Sweet Potato that I missed the first time. I'm plugged in. My son misses me when I'm gone and loves to be around me again. I'm finally the mommy I have always wanted to be. I'm finally the wife I want to be and I'm starting to become the person I want to be. And that brings me here. Now you know a little more about this Meditating Mama I can start blogging about my silly crazy loud fun random life. I hardly ever wear shoes, when I do they're usually flip flops, I typically stay in my jammies all day unless I have to go somewhere. I'm potty training my 3 year old and cloth diapering my 4 month old (both foreign things to me) I'm in the middle of spring cleaning my house and I get to share all my random crazy thoughts with the world.