Loss

I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 2 weeks ago yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and started bleeding. A trip to the ER showed nothing on the sonogram and my HCG levels were only 250. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even though I knew I was loosing another baby. This was my 3rd loss. I don't know why these things happen or if something I could have done differently. Part of me thinks that every soul chooses its parents before they are born and maybe this baby didn't have a soul that had chosen it and us yet so it miscarried. Maybe it had some illness that kept it from growing. We will never know. The other more illogical part of myself in the midst of the tears thinks why am I a good mother that does everything she can right loose babies when I see other "mothers" smoke, drink, do drugs etc through their pregnancies and the babies come out ok. Why are they deserving of their children when they don't care enough to stop what they're doing? I know its not as black and white as that but you cant help but feel that way. With the physical pain comes more mental hurting. I take comfort in us trying again in a few months since this baby was a surprise and we may not have been 100% ready for it but then this fear also sets in that what if it happens again? N had known we were pregnant and was sure we were having a baby girl I thought he would have been more upset to find out be lost the baby. He assured me it was ok and that its not my fault and that he loves me. I guess in the middle of the pain I can take comfort in my 2 boys that are so loving. I am also so thankful for all my friends that have sent their well wishes and offers of help. Super mom K is out for 1-2 weeks and J is having to take over the house and the kids. Pray for him LOL Poor guy its a lot to take on.
I wanted to share my story because I feel like we all hide the loss like its a badge of something we have done wrong. Or that we are broken in some way. Its not like that. Its just what it is, maybe not meant to be. Share your stories and pain mamas. Help other moms out there and help yourself.

The Mommy War

    This subject is kind of a sore spot for me since Ive seen and been the victim of the mommy battles. Its silly and ridiculous really, we are a community of women that really love and care for our children and want to do the best for them, ourselves and our families and we are busy hating on each other, especially when that energy can be better spent focusing on real child abuse and helping children that are real victims. The crimes I'm talking about are the breast vs bottle, cloth vs disposable, Natural birth vs Epidural, Etc. It seems like we all want to stick very close to our guns of the things we KNOW if right and good for our children the rub it in everyone's face and say how wrong they are if they don't fall in line. I find these attitudes are pushed a lot by Dr's or "experts" in the field. And I think on my side it's time to air the dirty laundry a bit.
     4 + years ago I got pregnant with N and went into a tizzy of trying to get all the right books are read the right things to prepare myself to become a first time mom. Towards the end of my pregnancy I realized I knew how to do most of the things like changing diapers, clothes, meds if needed, burping etc BUT I had no idea how to breastfeed. So 8 month pregnant I waddle my way to the local bookstore and start to read through the chunk of breastfeeding books, even came across a book from a self proclaimed expert (not a Dr) that stated if a woman cannot breastfeed shes just not trying hard enough and clearly not a good mother. Oh my! The fear set in a little, What if I couldn't breastfeed? What if he didn't like it? What if I HATED it? No No not possible. Then I talked to the lactation consultant at my local WIC office and heard the same. If its painful I'm not doing something correct etc. Ok... I'm for sure going to breastfeed. After all I want the best for him right? I'm going to be the perfect mom right? (Yeah right) August 21st I am induced and have a gorgeous 8lb 4oz baby boy and that night we start in on trying to breastfeed. It..is..awful. More nurses more consultants telling me I'm not doing something right. Awesome. I get home and try to feed for 3 1/2 weeks at one point through the pain and sleep deprived delirium I think I love it, for about 2 days. Then I hit PPD as N hit his first growth spurt and I couldn't keep up feeding him. I completely broke down. J comes home from work after a frantic call from me to find me sobbing in a corner partially because I was in so much pain and part because I felt like a failure as a mother. It didn't help to have the words of mothers for the last 9 months echoing in my head "you're going to breastfeed right? Oh good girl" J talked some sense into me and we bought some formula. It was amazing. He was full, happy and stopped crying. We had some formula troubles too, for the time being we thought he was lactose intolerant when we found out he is actually hormone and additive intolerant. We switched to prosobee and I had a dream baby. Then I had to go back to work and more guilt set in. fast forward through the mess of my life that Ive already blogged frequently about to me staying home with N and pregnant with Baby M. Again other peoples questions as well as my own start popping in, "Will I attempt to breastfeed again?" Will I really try to put myself through it again? I agonized over my choice for months with J in the background telling me formula is just fine, my Dr's telling me that formula is close to breast milk and I need to focus on being a great mommy too even my own mother and mother in law saying its ok, just bottlefeed. It wasn't that easy for me here was my 2nd chance to be the perfect mom again.. But alas I decided that I needed to formula feed and joined support groups online to help me through the guilt. That was a great decision! This group on Facebook has been amazing. Mothers exchanging stories of their smart, rarely sick, sweet, fun, perfectly healthy children. Caring, intelligent moms that chose not to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. Yesterday one of them posted an article about breastfeeding that opening my eyes and the guilt has dissolved. I know made the right choice for Baby M, our family, and myself.
     The war doesn't just stop at breastfeeding unfortunately, it extends to Attachment Parenting, Co-Sleeping, crying it out sleep training, diapering, etc. I have been on the hostile side of some Natural Parenting parents (I'm going to insert here that I have very good friends that are breastfeeding, natural, AP, Cloth diapering parents and have been incredible, supportive and informative to all questions I have had with no judgement. The perspective I'm showing if from a majority that I have experienced but in no way my only experience and not all natural parents are pushy whack jobs) The reason I have set the following scenario of the treatment that I and some of my other friends have received is because I want to clear up a few things that I feel are misconceptions about certain parenting styles.
    1. I am a practicing "cry it out" sleep training mommy. There are numerous studies done by both opposing sides showing the pros and cons to the CIO method. I'm not going to lie. It's a difficult thing to do. As a mom you' re hardwired to run to the aid of your child when the cry, however. At some point your child will need  to know how to soothe themselves. It seems like the anti crying it out group think that when I'm tired of tending to my baby I stick him in his crib and ignore his cries while I pour myself a glass of wine and draw a bubble bath. Nope. You check for full tummy, clean diaper, baby is not sick or in pain and right when they are sleepy but not over tired (this requires being attentive and in tune with your child) lay them in their crib to fall asleep on their own. Sometimes especially when they're older they will cry. Check on them in minute intervals. 5-10-15-20 and comfort them to let them know they aren't alone. Usually after 3 days your baby will be sleeping on their own and quickly through the night. I in no way just let my kids idly cry themselves to sleep.

2. Bottlefeeding and Baby Bonding:
Listen this will be short and sweet. If you cant or don't want to breastfeed no biggie, hold your baby, snuggle them and feed them with a bottle, hold it in the same position where your breast is and talk to your baby and make eye contact. Both my boys are incredibly bonded to me, no boobs required. Even better Dad (or other mama) can join in too. If you're worried about lack of skin to skin contact practice baby massage or unbutton your shirt a little.

3. Keep in mind you're a mommy first but also still a woman and a spouse and your significant other loves you too (that's how baby got here) If you like the benefits of co-sleeping the awesome. I'm not a fan personally for multiple reasons. Besides some safety issues my top reason is I still need my own space an time to stay mentally healthy. My adult bed for my adult things. My kids have their own safe lovely beds and using the sleep training helps them learn to sleep in their own space. I like it because Id rather not have to deal with the fussing of sleeping in their own bed when they get older.

4. Babywearing. I love it. Its amazing. Its the extra hands I wish God had given me when I had children. Its handy and snugly and amazing. I fully believe in the benefits of babywearing. HOWEVER. When I am in public and its 90 degrees out and I'm sweating profusely and my son is naturally hot natured  like his father and I have my baby in his stroller instead please no dirty looks. Thanks.

5. Cloth diapering. I LOVE LOVE LOVE CDing! Extreme couponing my ass. I will save thousands of dollars over the course of cloth diapering. Not to mention the environmental benefits. Its amazing. When N was a baby it wasn't an option for me at all though. Working FT and trying to keep up on diaper laundry. Uh no thanks. I couldn't keep up on reg laundry. Then with Baby M I looked into it but it seemed so expensive. As he got older I researched some more and talked to a few CDing friends found the Econobum Starter Kit for $49.99. Great way to try it out and see if it'll work for you. Especially with disposable diapers going up. But if you're a working mom or really busy CD may not be for you. Just reach out and ask people for info and see what works for you.

6. Childbirth. I'd Love to have a water birth someday. However my hospital doesn't offer it. I'm sure home births work very well for most women. Due to the issues I've had in the past I personally am not comfortable with it. That being said I am a pain pansy and I would prefer to not feel my woman part tear open anymore than most people want to feel the teeth get ripped out of their head at the dentist. If I decide to have an epidural in the future that is my choice because its my vagina. Also if you have a penis you have no input on what the best thing is for me. You will not ever experience childbirth the way a woman will so until you do keep your mouth closed. Thanks :)

7. Lastly.. Love & Logic
It may seem cruel that my son has choices and consequences like no toys or no TV time or even scrubbing the floor. He's 3 with chores and is required to clean up his messes. He gets an allowance and if he wants a new toy he has to use his own money. All these things may seem mean or unfair but its a proven loving empathetic system and more importantly its not your kid ;) I'm working on raising children that are responsible and prepared for life in a loving positive way (but also letting him still be a kid) I love L&L Its been a life saver for me. If anyone has questions I have a link to their site below and you can email me and ask anything :)

These are the things I get judged for. These are the things I get eye rolls, how could you's, or you're making a mistake's over. This is my own freedom declaration . I'M the mommy. J is the daddy. We've got a few years, tons of mistakes (or learning opportunities) and lots of research guided by our higher beliefs to help us be great parents. I hope if other moms are struggling with their own choices or decisions and are bombarded by naysayers that they keep on. And as the moms that are being attacked or ridiculed lets not return the favor. The other moms that make us feel so small and horrid have their own insecurities and we shouldn't attack them either. We are moms, we are women and we are all trying. Lets band to together and share practices to raise well balanced healthy kids into adults and focus on educating young inexperienced (or even older inexperienced) mothers. Maybe educating the overwhelmed can prevent REAL child abuse.

LINKS:
"The Case Against Breastfeeding" By: Hanna Rosin
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/
The Love & Logic Institute:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

How to disinfect cloth diapers

Came across this article on disinfecting cloth diapers and Im really excited especially because I dont like the idea of using bleach or harsh chemicals on Baby M's diapers. So here's some tips for my other CDing mamas out there. Cant wait to try the grape seed or tea tree extract! (Oh a side note I have tried the vinegar and when Baby M pee it has this weird chemical reaction and causes his pee diapers to smell really strange. I stopped using the vinegar and started using Borax powder)

Washing on Hot and line drying – The easiest and most natural way to disinfect is to simply wash theclean diapers on Hot, and put in the sun to dry. I would leave them in the sun for at least a couple of hours.

Grape Seed Extract – Tests have shown that GSE is dramatically more effective than Colloidal Silver, Iodine, Tea Tree Oil and Clorox bleach against five common microorganisms. For more, please visit:http://drjaygordon.com/breastfeeding/thrush.html

2 teaspoons added to the washer while filling should suffice.

Tea Tree oil is another option.  Add 2 Teaspoons to the washer while filling. Make sure you are using 100% tea tree oil and not a cheaper mixture.

You will want to look for a high Terpinen-4-ol and low Cineole concentration.

Hydrogen Peroxide – 3%, typically found in the grocery store. Pour ½ cup of your hydrogen peroxide in the bleach cup/section of your washing machine. If your washing machine does not have this section, allow the washer to fill to the load level before placing the clothing in the washer and pour the hydrogen peroxide directly into the water. Allow the washer to agitate a few times before placing the clothing in. This distributes the peroxide.

Vinegar - Another alternative to bleach is white vinegar. Pour ½ cup of distilled white vinegar in the bleach cup/section of your washing machine. Vinegar, however, should not be used with microfiber or laminated diapers, as the vinegar smell will linger on the diapers, and can eat away at PUL. This is for a one-time use only, as the acidity can also affect other components if used on a more frequent basis.

Sources include http://drjaygordon.com/breastfeeding/thrush.html

**Please be sure to check with manufacturer’s washing instructions (and warranty information) before starting any disinfecting routine.

In light of the Verdict

The last Casey Anthony thing Im going to post is in the confusion of the verdict and wondering how she could do what she did, dont add "how could a mother do that to her child?" Like the old saying "Going to church doesnt make anymore of a Christian, than standing in a garage makes you a car" Having a child doesnt make you a mother and having a vagina doesnt make you a woman. Being a mother is a minute by minute choice to be selfish enough to make sure youre healthy and unselfish to do whatever needs to be done to be there for you child and provide for them. Its the choice to have a piece of you walk around outside of yourself and to groom a human to be better than you were or are. Being a woman is to be strong, assertive, loving, gentle, caring, compassionate, nurturing, etc. To take care of her house, her family and her life. You aren't just born that way, you make yourself that way. Being a drunken party girl that dances on tables does not make you a woman and having a baby you dont want doesnt make you a mother. Its make your parts work. Congrats. Now grow up. If you cant handle being a mom thats fine. It really is, maybe consider that before you have unprotected sex though. If you cant handle being a mom then give her up for adoption, sign over your rights to a friend or family member. If you dont want to grow up that fast too bad, you felt grown enough to drink and have sex now you have to be grown up enough to make hard choices. Or maybe Im giving her and girls like her too much credit... Maybe shes just a psycho. Who knows. I do believe wholeheartedly in karma. Ive had it come back on me good and bad. And Im not worried about the not guilty verdict. Im confused but not worried. She (and any other neglectful abusive mothers) cannot run away from whats coming to her. WE may not see it as the public but she will know, and now Caylee is in a place she cant be harmed any longer.

A Hodgepodge of topics

After this week I have so many small things to talk about I'm just going to lump them all together.
     




      First off I had my first swallowing experience.. Ugh. N was down for rest time and I'm doing my daily chores, suddenly I hear N crying in bed so I go in and the conversation goes as follows. Me: Why are you crying baby? N: Because my penny is lost (He had found a penny on the floor and wanted to save it in his piggy bank for a new toy) Me: Where'd you loose it at? N: (points to his tummy) Down my throat Me: You swallowed it?!? N: Yes ma'am Me: WHY? N: Because I wanted to take it to Walmart and I didn't want to forget it. ::Me smacking my palm to my head:: Me: Ok do you need to throw it up? N: No don't worry mama I will poop it out my booty later. Awesome. So what does any self respecting mommy do? I run to the laptop and Google it. (well after I posted it to Facebook) and I'm am comforted that many other Mommy Bloggers have posted on similar experiences. He's pooped frequently since but I haven't seen a penny in there even though he swears he pooped it out already. Prob going to need to call the Dr soon. Just in case.
    I'm in the midst of trying to "green" my apartment as much as possible and save on electricity. At the risk of sounding old I remember when $70 in an apartment was high and now I face close to $150 a month for my bill which some would say is low. So this week I installed an outdoor clothesline to line dry my diapers, jeans, sheets etc. to save on my electric bill. The exact same day my dryer broke (is no longer blowing hot air) So now I get to see how having no dryer will decrease my bill. Its been slightly challenging but I did successfully keep up on my normal 3 loads of laundry yesterday with only line drying so YAY! I actually feel pretty good about it. Still testing different remedies to cure the stiffer clothes though.
    Yesterday being 4th of July I wanted Baby M's 1st 4th of July to be awesome so Sunday we drove 30 mins to the lake and sat patiently waiting for the fireworks to get greeted with with a storm and cancelled fireworks. As I reload Baby M into his car seat and my Hubby loads N into his car seat with the sharp rain pounding I am sobbing. N loves fireworks and I could tell he was disappointed in the few local ones we had seen. Not to mention the gas wasted driving there and back. This plunges me into a terrible funk since I was the one pushing to go to the lake. So back to the uncontrollable sobbing while we drive back home in the rain I turn and apologize to N for letting him down to which my adorable 3 yr responds with "It's Ok Mama! We will see more tomorrow and I had fun. I got to see a mountain, water, fish and a fountain and some fireworks. Don't cry I had fun!" Which made me cry harder at his compassion for me. It paid off though because yesterday we tucked Baby M in bed at 830 and sat outside on our patio, ate dinner and watched the fireworks go off around the area. N loved it! He got to stay up late and when I asked if he was done he said "Yes thank you mama for the fireworks, I'm tired I'm going to bed now" Makes Saturday all better.
So its been a week of mixed emotions and revisiting my Love & Logic book to make sure I have taken a deep breath and keeping my voice tone even and empathetic before giving out the consequences. I think we are doing better. Parenting is a constantly evolving and learning experiences. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.