Loss

I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 2 weeks ago yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and started bleeding. A trip to the ER showed nothing on the sonogram and my HCG levels were only 250. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even though I knew I was loosing another baby. This was my 3rd loss. I don't know why these things happen or if something I could have done differently. Part of me thinks that every soul chooses its parents before they are born and maybe this baby didn't have a soul that had chosen it and us yet so it miscarried. Maybe it had some illness that kept it from growing. We will never know. The other more illogical part of myself in the midst of the tears thinks why am I a good mother that does everything she can right loose babies when I see other "mothers" smoke, drink, do drugs etc through their pregnancies and the babies come out ok. Why are they deserving of their children when they don't care enough to stop what they're doing? I know its not as black and white as that but you cant help but feel that way. With the physical pain comes more mental hurting. I take comfort in us trying again in a few months since this baby was a surprise and we may not have been 100% ready for it but then this fear also sets in that what if it happens again? N had known we were pregnant and was sure we were having a baby girl I thought he would have been more upset to find out be lost the baby. He assured me it was ok and that its not my fault and that he loves me. I guess in the middle of the pain I can take comfort in my 2 boys that are so loving. I am also so thankful for all my friends that have sent their well wishes and offers of help. Super mom K is out for 1-2 weeks and J is having to take over the house and the kids. Pray for him LOL Poor guy its a lot to take on.
I wanted to share my story because I feel like we all hide the loss like its a badge of something we have done wrong. Or that we are broken in some way. Its not like that. Its just what it is, maybe not meant to be. Share your stories and pain mamas. Help other moms out there and help yourself.