Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Baby Story

When I was pregnant with my oldest son N I went to a book sale and found Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mothers Soul. Toward the end of the book is a poem called "Baby's Choice" (see below) I read this poem and it forever changed my outlook on getting pregnant and giving birth. I had never even considered in reincarnation when our spirits are ready to come to this earth we choose our parents. It's such a lovely thought. I know I chose my children but they chose me too. (I know at this point many readers will start the argument of why would a child choose abusive, neglectful parents. My response is our soul and God knows what we have been through in our past lives and what lessons we need to learn going further. We will not understand fully why we are on the path we are on.) 

The reason I bring this up is because of my latest journey in life has been loosing another baby. Knowing that J and I wanted to start trying again in Aug I decided that starting to set that intention and prayer in May would be plenty of time to manifest this miracle in our lives. When I saw the positive HPT I was shaking. I couldn't believe we were pregnant! I told my husband while shaking uncontrollably. So many thoughts racing through my head. Were we ready? Would he be mad that we got pregnant early? When was my due date? When I realized I got the positive test 2 years to the day that we had lost another baby I felt a sense of dread. Trying to think hopeful I thought maybe this will reset the bad feelings I have about the months of June and July. Then I realized "Wait, in Feb (when we were due) we were going to be moving, that's so close to my due date" I also didn't know at that time if I was going to be able to handle 3 kids. What if I couldn't? Over the next 2 weeks I had fears of seeing blood when I went to the bathroom because I didn't FEEL pregnant. I didn't feel the same connection I felt when I knew I was pregnant with my sons. Friday morning, 2 weeks after that positive HPT I went to the bathroom at 6am stood up and saw blood. Not brownish discharge or spotting, but blood. I knew. I knew right then that I was loosing the baby. A trip to the ER, blood tests, meds, u/s, more blood... I remember laying in the hospital bed and feeling empty. The baby was gone. No one understood what I felt. How I felt. How guilty and empty I felt. How could I mourn the loss of my baby when I never felt connected to it in the first place? What kind of mother was I that I frequently forgot I was even pregnant and would catch myself lifting something or cleaning something I probably shouldn't have been? How could I feel so heartbroken that I lost this thing I had named when I didn't feel that same "thing" that familiar feeling I had felt with my boys. I remember feeling that disconnect when I was pregnant and lost the previous baby in June 2009. And that made me feel even more guilty. Over the next few days I cried and looked for any possible thing I could have done to prevent it. There was nothing. Nothing at all, I was even doing things to prevent a miscarriage (taking Maca Powder, whole food prenatal vitamins, organic pregnancy tea, eating chemical free healthy food etc) So I started doing more soul searching. I prayed and thought about it a lot. I remembered the poem, I remembered my belief of a baby choosing the parents and thought of the emptiness I felt. Maybe I jumped the gun on trying to be pregnant, maybe there was a physical baby but not growing or thriving because the perfect spirit for us had not chosen us yet. We are going ahead with our original plan or trying again in Aug (in a couple weeks actually) and I pray not that we get pregnant, but that our future son or daughter spirit finds up and picks us so we can love and raise them in this life. The last month has been difficult. Not the most difficult we've been through thank God but very difficult nonetheless. Ive hopefully handled it with more love and grace than I did in the past and hopefully this is the last time we have to go through loosing a baby. Since then I have realized I can easily handle 3 kids and definitely want to. I imagine my life with 3 children playing and helping me in our garden or hanging our clothes, playing in the sprinkler together. I know I'm meant to do this. For those of you reading this please send loving thoughts and prayers that the perfect spirit for us finds us and we conceive that beautiful healthy baby and carry it to term. Thank you all for letting me share my story. 

Baby's Choice
Did you ever think, dear Mother,
As the seeds of me you sowed,
As you breathed new life inside of me
And slowly watched me grow,
In all your dreams about me
When you planned me out so well,
When you couldn't wait to have me there
Inside your heart to dwell,
Did you ever think that maybe,
I was planning for you, too,
And choosing for my very own
A mother just like you?
A mother who smelled sweet and who
had hands so creamy white,
A tender, loving creature
Who would soothe me in the night?
Did you ever think in all those days
While you were coming due,
That as you planned a life for me
I sought a life with you?
And now as I lay in your arms,
I wonder if you knew
While you were busy making me,
I was choosing you!
~ Colleen M. Story ~

No comments:

Post a Comment