Thursday, August 18, 2011

Who am I? Turns into Who I am.

Ive had this realization recently how horribly insecure, not confident in my marriage and how much I generally don't value myself as a person. Overall I have really low self value. Normally I would just ignore and suppress my feelings but wouldn't you know it's starting to seriously effect my relationship and intimacy level. So the course of my day today I have been meditating, pulling my cards, reading books and articles to come to some sort of how it all began so I can start to deconstruct it and rebuild my sense of self. I love my life and everything about it except for me. I don't love my negative thoughts, or my jealousy, or the on edge feeling I constantly have waiting the day J comes home to tell me he's finally found the bigger better deal and theres another more fantastic woman. Instead of focusing on the fact that I'M the one to tamed the great J P. He was a play boy that never wanted to settle down, get married, and have kids and I was the one he found that was worth it to do all of those things. I just don't see it I guess. Like whats so great about me.. And not in the fishing for compliments sort of way but like I really just don't see my value beyond my cooking and cleaning skills. So because of this I have been reflecting on some programming of mine and hoping I can get it out on here..Maybe it can help someone else going through the same journey. I'm adding in excerpts from 2 articles that's helping me and I have the links posted below.

"In a land far far away, there lived a princess. A princess so beautiful, her Light shone, mesmerizing the people of the land. They talked only of her purity and kindness and regularly left gifts at the steps to her castle to show their appreciation for her being in their lives... "  
The reason this hit me so hard is because when I read it I flashed back to being a young girl watching so many princess movies and love stories and thinking to myself "I WISH I was like that." "I wish I was pretty or could sing, paint, draw, dance..etc"  I wanted to be everything. Perfect. The girl that had it all. See on one hand I remember being told I can do anything I set my mind to and how beautiful I was but then at the same time being told how all the talent skipped a generation and how I would always be viewed as a friend. I would never be viewed as girlfriend material or sexy and the way to land a husband was to make sure I knew how to cook, clean, sew etc. I can not really remember ever being told I was good at anything. And being raised in a very religious household I was also told that any type of self esteem was vanity, conceit and evil. I can remember being told how vain I was as a teenager for checking my appearance, but always being told to make sure I looked my best so no one knew we were poor.  On the same token I had nothing stable really in my life, I was homeschooled and moved around alot.. Living someplace for 5 years was an accomplishment. Hearing my father during arguments that my mother would voice her own insecurities of being abandoned he would yell that he could leave whenever he wanted and he was here because he wanted to be, but then frequently complained about freedom and how he was always tied down to us. I complain that I see people perpetuate the cycle of hurt and mistakes their parents made but I see myself doing it  in certain areas of my life. My parents did what they could with what they had but now I can see how their parents effected their own behavior as an adult and a parent. I need to heal myself and rise above that to break that cycle. I need to heal for myself, my marriage, my kids, my life. This is me challenging my memories, thoughts, and programming. This is me deciding to not be a victim and blame my upbringing for my problems now. I know they have shaped me, damaged me even, but I'm ready to move past that. I'm ready to live my life and have that fulfilled content feeling. 

"Self-love is not about ego, it is not conceited, judgmental, looking down on others to make yourself feel better. When you really love yourself, you accept yourself for whom and what you are. You accept the many different aspects of yourself. You make peace with the parts that you are not proud of, but accept them as being a part of who you are."

I'm on a journey. A journey of self exploration. I'm wondering who am I? How much of who I think I am is determined by what others think or have an opinion of me. Or worse how much is made up of my old programming?
 I am determined to get rid of these negative thoughts. I am determined to step into the space of Who I Am and stand in the light. I want to accomplish the things in the picture I posted with this. I want that to be what I leave behind. I'm ready. Maybe I wasn't before. Maybe I was too afraid to challenge my past, my thoughts, my beliefs more than I already have. I know this will not be an easy journey. But I'm going to start right now. I am going to tell myself all the things I believe to be true about myself and tell the voices that tell me I'm wrong or selfish or conceited or vain to SHUT UP! And STOP! As loudly and frequently as I can.
Who I am (so far):

  • I am an amazing mother. I live, breathe, change, and get up every day for my kids. They are my heart and my world.  I strive everyday to be a better mother than I was yesterday. 
  • I am a good wife. I work to be his partner, his best friend, and his lover. My job is a stay at home mom, so I work to keep our house clean, food cooked, kids raised. We work together in every way and I work to be the best I can for him.
  • I am a great friend. I try to be a constant stable rock for my friends. I try to give them the best advice I can when asked. I try to be a shoulder for them to cry on and a ears to listen to them vent. 
  • I am spiritual
  • I am compassionate
  • I am an empath that feels what others feel
  • I am sensitive. I cry at a lot of things, sweet things, sad things, happy things
  • I talk a lot because I have so many thoughts. 
  • I am a writer
  • I am a artist
  • I am a great cook. Cooking is passion, your food reflects your mood.
  • I am an animal lover
  • I am a hippie
  • I love quotes and books because I can rarely find the right things to say
  • I love art in any form especially tattoos
  • I am a music lover
  • I am a fighter against things that are unjust
  • I am a Libra
  • I believe in magic, first kisses, passion, true love, soul mates, doing the right thing, good karma and bad karma, signs and messages from God and Spirit. I believe laughter, food, good friends and family can cure anything
  • I am a woman, I am gentle, intuitive, resilient, strong. 
  • I'm restless and ever evolving. 
  • For now I am insecure and broken. Wounded. Trying to heal. And I will.

"You are perfect as you are, right now. No-matter what is happening in your life, you are never alone. Whatever your beliefs, know that you are part of All That Is, you are a Divine Goddess. You are worthy and deserving of all things. Open your heart and mind, and allow yourself to receive all of the beautiful, wonderful gifts that await you. When you love yourself just as you are, you realize just how deserving you are"

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