Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm no Superman

A few months ago I felt like Supermom. Everything was clicking perfectly. I was happy, upbeat, positive, and I felt unstoppable. I had just ventured down the road of baby wearing and cloth diapering, feeling this new found sense of empowerment as a mother. I could handle anything. Even when J lost his job and the "new" car we had bought in cash and spent almost $700 repairing to get it to state inspection started to break down 2 weeks after we bought it, I still saw the silver lining. After a few months of this life high and things still turning for us in the better, cashing in all those good karma points from us struggling for so long it hit me. One day I was sitting on the couch, N turned to me and said "I don't want to live with you anymore. You're not fun" And I broke. I sat there and cried and cried. I couldn't understand it. We had a routine, we played, I made him breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. We had started Love & Logic and the yelling and threatening mommy I had once been was now gone. WHY WHY WHY would he say that? For some reason at that moment I realized I was in fact not Supermom and I suddenly felt completely inadequate. How can a 3 year old bring you to your knees so quickly? The next few months were your basic life and parenting struggles. Nothing crazy. Then we hit the rough patch that has been our adversity over the last month. Baby loss, J's kidney stones, him out of work for almost 2 weeks, short paychecks, our Subaru not starting forcing us to drive the less appealing and more gas drinking car, and me having to take the responsibility for our entire house. You never know how much your spouse helps until they can't. The pressure of balancing the smaller paychecks, grocery shopping, errand running, tending to  every need of the boys, all the house work and taking care of J was up to me and I was fine at first. I was a rock. Then the day after J got his stint out I completely crumbled, and I have been breaking down more and more every since. My house has been trashed, dishes only done enough to cook for that night, yelling, frustrations and threats have emerged and my laundry is barely done. I feel undone, imperfect, un-super and completely...human. I know I will bounce back and be back to feeling completely empowered again at some point, clicking on every cylinder like a well oiled machine, I just wish I knew when that would be. In the meantime I guess I can keep thinking positive and hopeful and just let go of my need of control and go with the flow. I'm terrible at that by the way, admitting when I'm not perfect, relinquishing control and going with the flow. Maybe once I do that things will go back to the normal blissful life I'm used to.. Maybe that's my lesson.

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