Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Can we have a talk?

Anyone know how to get in touch with The Big Guy (or Girl)? Not like prayer either, I pray twice a day. I mean like sit down have a Neale Donald Walsh type conversation with God. I have some questions and they aren't all nice. Trying to get pregnant is one of THE MOST frustrating thing EVER! And its worse after a miscarriage.. You have the normal i want to get pregnant so badly things mixed with the lingering idea of you should already be. Id be 14 weeks this week and I'm not. And worse I'm having a hard time getting pregnant again when all the baby books say "Hey guess what for the 3 months after a loss you're the most fertile" And granted its still early but usually by now Ive gotten a positive test. Sunday morning we got what looked like a faint positive and I was elated and today nothing. I know Ive been praying for when the right spirit chooses us for it to happen but I figured that would have been this month it just felt right and worse we did EVERYTHING right. And nothing so far. The conversation I want to angrily have is WHY? WHY seriously, have we not gone through ENOUGH over the last 4 years?? Why did I have to loose that baby? Why is it not happening now? Why did I loose the baby while taking whole food prenatals, eating the best food I can, drinking pregnancy herbal tea and taking it easy when I see baby addicted to drugs , breathing problems and fetal alcohol syndrome from moms who smoke, drank and did drugs through their pregnancies. All of those things increase chance of fetal death and premature birth but THEY have full term pregnancies. THEY get to have 3, 4, 5, 6 kids till they're 40. I have maybe another year to have kids maybe 2.. possibly. I just want one more God. Just one, a healthy, happy, gorgeous baby. A spirit choosing us as amazing and caring and loving as our boys. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't LOVE to have that little girl I dreamt about so long ago but I would love it no matter what. I know there is a reason and maybe I just needed to get all this off my chest first. I don't know. I would just like some answers. Maybe if I knew I could stop feeling this way. Maybe I just needed some sort of child like break down since I had to keep a brave face when it happened.

1 comment:

  1. I know just how you feel... We're still TTC after a miscarriage, and in September would have been my due date... It's so hard. Just know you're not alone!