Criticism Makes You Stronger...

Right? I'm half hurt and half angry. People that love you from what Ive heard aren't supposed to lie and judge you.. How would I know though since Ive had very few instances of people NOT judging me that say they love me. I get that a certain amount of constructive criticism will help push you or change you for the better but constantly being cut down and lied about or lied to leaves me feeling... hurt and unsure of myself as a wife and mother. I guess good came come from it, Ill face the shadow side of this. I'm not a clean freak. Never have been. And until I had kids I never cared much for my house being overly clean. After I had kids I then had no time to deep clean because I worked 50 hrs a week for the first 2 years of my sons life. After I became a stay home mom and got pregnant with M I started cleaning up and noticing how nice it felt to have a clean house. Now at 15  1/2 weeks pregnant with my 3rd I have spent the last 4 months throwing up and too tired to move half the time. My house? Trashed. Dishes? Wash as you go. We don't have a working dishwasher so my preggo self gets to do dishes for 4 people by hand. We also eat at home for all meals. So I cook 3x a day then wash the dishes. God help me I hate dishes. I will never be more appreciative for a dishwasher when we move. Maybe that's part of my lesson in the never ending dishes. Anyway. When I do get enough energy to do anything I try to keep my living room picked up or vacuumed when the vacuum works or most shockingly I want to play with my kids. Spending time with them cuddled up or giving them attention is far more important to me than a clean house. Call me anything you want. I'm not always the perfect wife, my life is never picture perfect and we do things so very different than other people. You can say what you want but the thought of me being a bad mom, especially now, is laughable. Literally. Ive been trying to hash out how to handle this particular situation in my life and I think after thinking about it in length the accusations are so silly and unfounded that it doesn't need a response or action. Just a pity smile that people are that sad and insecure that they have to make things up about other people, which I'm actually pretty used to, but when it comes from your family it cuts a little deeper and hurts a little more. Luckily (?) for me its not deepest or worst cut so I can get past it. I'm thankful I have people in my life that ARE a means of strength and support for me and I'm thankful for my husband and kids because they make it all worth it, they are my family. I'm thankful that I have grown enough to see the woman I am and am becoming and not allow it to be clouded by other peoples pettiness and insecurity.


Photo Credit:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shelbys_photography/4616900128/
Great add on to this.

Starting to know what sardines feel like

I am entering my 14th week and 2nd trimester this week! The all day sickness and throwing up is starting to die down a tad to just during certain times of day. I have been feeling unlike myself recently and really imposed on. So I did what I always do. I called my friend that's also a Shaman. He smudged me and advised I needed some chakra balancing and some more frequent out of the house "me" time. I'm working on the me time part. So far Ive come up with a list of things I want to learn or do. Photography, sketching, sculpting, and piano. Maybe even a cup of coffee kid free with a friend or listening to classical music in the park while I snap nature shots. All sound like good ideas. In the balancing Ive noticed more messages coming through and my intentions coming to. One of the intentions is trying to get a rent house. Well I thought I had it honestly. The house seemed so perfect but the Universe has other plans apparently. Now I'm sitting here even more obsessively checking Craigslist. I know have full blown house fever again, but I'm not the only one.. No N also has it. Poor guy has so much energy and is bouncing off the walls from our tiny apartment and a lack of a place to play even Baby M who is now about to graduate to Toddler M since hes taking 2-3 steps at a time on his own is showing signs of longing for playing in the grass and wind. Suddenly the small apartment that I feel like I can barely keep clean seems so tiny and we all seem packed on top of each other, getting under each others skin, desperately wanting our own space to be ourselves. Only a matter of time I suppose. But in the meantime, keep us in your thoughts and prayers that a house perfect for us falls into place. <3

The last year of my life

Tomorrow my baby turns 1. I'm sitting here writing this 12 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and half in tears thinking of how difficult some times have been but mostly how amazing my sons are.
1 year ago today at 4 am I was up showering, bags packed ready to get to the hospital to induce labor, We get a phone call there is no room because apparently everyone woman in our town is having their kid at my hospital that day. So we wait, we have lunch we wait and wait and by 3pm they confirm... No baby today. Even if we went into natural labor they would have to send us to another hospital. Ok fine. So I get up again the next morning, shower, call the hospital and its a go. We waddle in and start labor induction. As my labor progresses the epidural isn't in and once it is in Baby M is posterior and I'm having awful back labor. I was so grateful to have a birth doula, she was a life saver! She twisted me into a weird position and let me rest for an hr and I shot from a 6 to a 10 and woke up feeling the need to push with the epidural kicked in enough that I could feel pressure but no pain. I push for 13 minutes and Baby M had joined us. I remember the amazed looked on N's face when he saw his brother for the first time. In the hospital I didn't rest much because immediately M started showing signs of reflux but I had no idea what that was. A couple of sleepless weeks and I start diagnosing then take it to his Dr and sure enough he had reflux and colic issues. 2 weeks after he's born and we are all adjusting N breaks his leg and now cannot walk for 3 months. This was by far so much harder than I had ever imagined going from 1 child to 2. But I was surprised with myself that I handled it, and fairly well actually. M has such a big personality and feeds off of N's energy and they love each other so very very much. Ive watched him grow and N grow to be more of a leader and now over the next year I get to see M grow into the big brother role too with N walking him through it. Its so touching and sweet to me that they are best friends already. I can't wait to see what the next year holds for us.